Growing Pains

In the movie 'The Dark Knight' Harvey Dent says "the night is always darkest before the dawn." This is how this part of the year usually feels for me. The month of July has been so short on work that it's hard not to be negative and question myself. The problem that I've had in the past is, that even when I was busy, I was still negative. This has been going on for years. It wasn't until recently that an amazing friend had really brought it to my attention. I knew I had my moments, but I was worse than I ever thought I could be. It has been because of this that I have ruined relationships and even lost respect from the people that mean the most to me. If i had kept up this pattern, I would lose friendships and family support. For those who have loved and lost, you know that the pain sometimes is too much take. And for what? To be in a Pizza Hut commercial? That's not worth it to me. So for the past 6 weeks I took some time aside in my day to contemplate how to turn this around. Which required a lot of personal time with the Big Guy upstairs.

One of the things that I realized, was how much the people on set really affected me. When you break down a day on set, you will find that there is very little positivity. I am part of a crowd that is all struggling, all have personal problems, and deal with rejection on a daily basis. You might say that no matter who you are, you deal with these struggles. I will agree with that. But let me put it this way;
In between scenes, all of us background go to a holding room/tent/parking lot and spend time together. So imagine yourself surrounded by 100 people who are complaining about the food, the weather, SAG Vouchers, how hard they work, how much they don't work, they're divorced, and so on and so on. There is nothing more draining than to listen to that all day, while at the same time, I am trying to focus on finding work for the next day, and I have been rejected 4 times before noon. You got to imagine, that when my 14 hour day is done, I am running on empty, emotionally. Physically, my body is at 100%, but emotionally a person can only take so much a day. This is something I have been doing day in, and day out for 4 years. Over those years, the industry has chipped away at some of my greater qualities that gave me an awesome start in the beginning. It's only been by the grace of God and support from friends and family that I have haven't gone completely insane.

I'm not saying that I blame my job or the work environment on my downfall. Those were simply the tiny push in the wrong direction and I was the one who let it get the best of me. You can never blame one thing, or one person for your misfortunes. All they are is be the first domino in the effect that leads to everything falling down. That's what I did, I let a few events get the best of me and I didn't rely on God for his help. Or trust him when I needed to the most. If I had caught that years ago, things would have happened a lot differently. But that doesn't matter now. What matters is that I now realize it and can move forward.

The best conclusion that I came to, was to go back to the time, before I was affected by the environment I had become apart of. Before I became my own worst enemy. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. This all goes with what I wrote in the blog 'Shadow of the Day,' I have realized my mistakes and know what I need to do to turn this all around. And it all starts with swallowing my pride and going back to square one. God has given me some amazing friends in my life, and has put them in my life for a reason. And to drive them away with my attitude and negativity would be the biggest mistake I could EVER make. That would be a pain I couldn't bare. If I stay where I am, I won't move upward. I will stay in the same place and slowly slide back down. I will keep driving people away, and miss out on what God's bigger plan is. God says "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know."

So for those of you who have stuck it out with me for all these years, I can't thank you enough. I never thought that chasing after my dream would cause me to lose myself in the process. "The question isn't 'what should I be doing?' but 'who am I becoming?' Self awareness is one of the most critical characteristics of personal effectiveness and productivity. There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain...This is why you cannot grow without a humble, teachable attitude." -Rick Warren

Airplanes

This is a video I made to show the two different sides that I struggle with while trying accomplishing being an actor. One side is the guy who sits and watches the world pass by him. He waits for that one phone call that will fix all his problems. The other side is a guy who stays focused and works hard. He sends out head shots, goes to auditions, and works on his craft. The best therapy for me is to express what I am feeling and put it in the form of a video. It helps me stay in the creative mind space. So hope you all enjoy, and please let me know what you think. It looks better if you watch it smaller than making it "fit to screen." But for those of you with "special eyes" make it bigger.

Raging Bull

Last week I started my commercial acting class level 3 with casting director Chris Game. I took level 1 last summer and level 2 in the fall. So I was happy to go to the next level and learn more of what I can do better and clean up a few loose ends. Chris has gotten me a table read for a film, an brought me in for two separate film auditions. So taking his class again shows him that I show commitment and take his word serious. I come to find out last night that he cast Jason Segel in a small film 10 years ago. I had mentioned to him that I am a regular on 'How I Met Your Mother' and have met him on a couple different occasions. So that sparked up a conversation, and when the show comes back in a couple weeks, when I get an opportunity, mention to Jason about Chris and see if can make some networking come together.

Last Friday Chris had asked me to come in and audition for a short film. It was for a part that was a white trash type of character. It was down in Santa Monica, which isn't a bad drive, but what I thought was going to be a quick process, turned into me sitting around for over an hour and a half. Which put me on the 405 HWY at 4pm on a FRIDAY. But at least I got an audition and kept my mind fresh.

The other day, as I was writing my other blog, I had gotten a call from my agency for a callback for the show 'Californication.' Which was a HUGE blessing, because not only did it provide me with work, but I didn't have to spend my day on the phone looking for work. Plus I had a few friends working on it that day too which helped. Although, I did have a run in with my favorite guy, who I like to refer as 'the dude.' The dude, is this guy I see more than I would like. He always asking me about how to get SAG vouchers and wonders why his agent isn't doing it for him. After an hour of this, I had to tell the guy what time it was. I told him that he needed to accept the fact that it's a process and can't put all his faith in an agent who is just looking for quantity and not quality for his clients. I didn't mean to come off as a dick, but I hear these conversations everyday, and people are looking for instant gratification when it comes to this job.

The reason people expect instant gratification is because there are stories, very few, of actors who go to one audition, get the part, and start working right off the bat. When they come in with that mind set, and get rejected a couple times, their confidence is shot to hell. Which is great for me, because it cleans out the riff raft. But on the flip side when those people go away, and whole new batch fills in their spots. That's the part that is mentally draining is hearing the negativity. But that's what an iPod is for right?

"The talent is in the choices." - Robert de Niro

Shadow of the Day

It's been a little while since I have written anything, and that is due in part to the lack of work I have over the last 2 weeks. Mid June til the first of August is DEAD for work. Which sounds awesome because it's the summer time and I have some free time to enjoy it. The fact of the matter is, I'm almost 27 years old and have bills to pay and a future to plan. I deal with anxiety attacks and having down time sometimes triggers it. Anxiety never really helps with my OCD either. So the last couple weeks have been a little rough for me. Not only does doing background work provide for me financially, but it also provides me with social interaction and fellowship. One of the things that God has tried to make to clear to us is that we must but aside time for fellowship. Erwin McManus says; "The real measure of our lives will not be all the things we obtain or all the goals we achieve or all the successes we acquire. Real success will be the relationships we have built, the lives we have touched, the people we have loved and who have loved us and invested in us."

And as most of you know, I am a socialite and not having fellowship allows my mind to wonder and get me thinking of things that either aren't actually true or even happening. So hiatus is a very tough time for me. Luckily I have been blessed with some little trips with friends and dinners to keep me from really going crazy.

So I have been doing a lot thinking lately about what the next step I will take. I've been doing background for 4 years and have had some great stories and memories, but I feel little or no sense of accomplishment. For 4 years, every weekday, I have called the same phone # every 10 minutes for 8 hours looking for work for the previous day. When I did the math it came out to this: 144 minutes a day. 37,440 minutes a year. 149,760 minutes over the coarse of 4 years. I average 3 minutes on the phone each time I call every 10 minutes. 149,760 MINUTES?! Are you kidding me? That's not including the amount of time I am on hold when I find a job that fits me, not knowing if I will get the job and have to go back to calling. But like I've said, there are call-in services that you can pay to do it for you, but you STILL have do call yourself because they don't guarantee they will get you the work.

So what do I do? Personally I feel like God is telling me that my run of doing background work FULL TIME has reached it's end. What I mean by this is; I have 4 years of connections I have made with people in the industry. I have 4 years of knowledge of how it works and what is expected. So now it's time to apply that knowledge and contacts. I still do background work, but just less of it. I am confident in my social skills and creativity that I can stop using background as a crutch. I once read that through Christ we have the freedom to let go. So I am putting my trust in God more now than I have in the past with my career. "Once we can release our grip on any attitude that keeps us from following Christ, we find true freedom in letting go." David McCasland.