I'm With You

the smell of burnt coffee lingers in the air as i continue to clean up cookie crumbles and leftover cheese and crackers from the table. the only thing left to wipe up the table with is a single sheet of paper towel that hadn't been used. the sugar packet that helped hold up a leg of the table slips out leaving the table to wobble back and forth as i clean. i'm done. the door to the church recreation room opens with a creaking sound and a woman in her late 20's comes through the door. she asks for a cell phone to make a call for a taxi. i hand her my phone, and offer her what is left of the snacks on the table. happily, but a little hesitant, she accepts, grabs a plastic cup and fills it up for the road. she thanks me and walks outside. i say goodbye to everyone still interacting in the room, put on my headphones and walk out the door. it's july and there is a random rain storm that had accumulated during the duration of my time inside. thinking ahead, i wore a sweatshirt before i left home. as i walk away from the church, i notice the woman taking shelter under the overhang of  the building. i asked her if she needed any help getting to where she was trying to go. there was a pause as she lit her cigarette, but then she shook her head. noticing that she probably had a rough evening, i asked her she needed someone to talk to. she replied with, "that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me all week." i told her i had nothing but time, and sat down next to her.

considering it was july, the rain that was falling was colder than usual that night. "everything is a mess" she says. what followed was a story of addiction, failed relationship, and emptiness. she had just been kicked out of her boyfriend's apartment because she ran out of cocaine and refused to get more. she then proceeds to show me a zip-lock bag from her purse with some coke left in it. i asked her why she lied to her boyfriend. she said it was because she wanted to make a change in her life. she wanted to be kicked out of his apartment. if she she had showed her boyfriend that she had more coke left, then she wouldn't be sitting on the stoop of a church on a thrursday night with me waiting for a cab. this was her turning point. the cab she called was going to take her to her parents house, to be in a safe place. although, the relationship between her and her parents was to be determined. the cab pulled up, she gave me a huge hug, and she got in the car. but right before the cab took off, i see the cab window go down and she tells me "thank you. thank you for your listening ear, and giving your time to a stranger who needed a friend."

the cab drives off, my headphones go on. i choose the 'shuffle' option on my ipod and the song 'i'm with you' by avril lavigne comes on ( that's right, i have that on my ipod ). Here are some lyrics from that song:

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone.

as i'm walking home listening to this song, i couldn't help but feel a connection to it. the odds of this tune coming up on my ipod from the shuffle option was no coincidence.  on that walk home it really help put some things into perspective for me. about 7 weeks earlier i had moved to los angeles from the valley to be closer to work. so on my walk back home i passed everything from the homeless, to people on a date holding hands, and empty beer cans that line the gutter. i pass restaurant windows with people with smiling faces and families gathering for a late dinner. with only assumptions as to what i saw from glancing as i walk by, it was like looking through windows of the past 28 years of my life. all things i could relate too. being on a date, eating with family, to relating to the homeless ( story for another time ). i don't have many nights of reflection that i can recall in my life, but this night was one of them. for i wasn't walking home from just giving a stranger my time. it wasn't a bible study. it wasn't a thursday night church service. it was an AA Meeting. meeting number 17 out of 30 that i was ordered by the court back in may. for i was arrested for drinking and driving. i haven't been able to share my experiences until now because the court process is now finished. it has been a life changing experience these past couple months. the night i was arrested, i will always consider it the night my life was saved, and more importantly, others. it's a long story of how it happened, but i'll save that for another time. the main issue is that it happened, i learned from my mistake, and i am accepting my punishment.

for the i know the plans i have for you, says the lord. plans for good, and not for evil. to give you a future and a hope.

Girl With The Red Balloon

It's been a little over a year since I've written anything, and for those who kept up every week, I apologize. I got a little writers block and decided to put this aside. As of lately I have been putting together thoughts and ideas over the past months and I am getting ready to put them out. In the meantime, I am going to leave you with a little something that was 4 years in the making, and it didn't make much sense to write it until now. I hope you take something from it, and stay tuned for new blogs.


 In 2008, 2 friends and Myself moved into a new apartment located in Tarzana, California. The move was necessary due to the fact that one was engaged to be married later in the year, and the other was on the verge of proposing to his girlfriend. I Myself had been in a serious relationship and was planning on staying in this particular apartment for only one year, for I had plans to move to Nor Cal in the following spring to live closer to my girlfriend. During the first late afternoon living there, I was moving a couch onto the porch ( because every bachelor pad needs a couch on the porch ), and I remember hearing a car door shut below me. Our porch overlooked the top level of the parking garage. I see a woman holding a red balloon helping her child put on his backpack, lock the car, and start walking down the sidewalk that ran parallel with our building. The woman was a young mom of late 20's and from what I could tell the kid was probably in the 1st grade. She held his hand as they walked past my 2nd story porch, and she looked up at my friend and I, for we were making a ton of noise. We shot each other a smile and a wave as she walked by.

 It is now Spring 2012, and I am cleaning out the closet on that very same porch, of junk that needs to be thrown away before I move out in the coming weeks. I hear a car door shut below me and I see the same woman getting out of her car, her child isn't so much a kid anymore, and their 2 year old dachshund dog hopped out of the car behind him. As they approached the path by my apartment, the boy ran by with the dog by his side. The woman looks up to me and waves hello. I give a smile and wave back. It been 4 years since our first interaction had occurred. Over time I witnessed this young mom and her child become a small family before my very eyes. When I moved there, I was under the impression that it was just going a place to rest my head before I started my life up in Nor Cal. Little did I know that it was going to be the apartment where I was going to finally grow up. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I wasn't all that much different from that woman and her child. Our only interaction would be from my porch as she went back and forth from her car. But I witnessed little instances that were major in her life, and they always seemed to parallel my own.

I'm sure she didn't want to live in that little apartment raising her child alone just as much as I didn't want to live there any longer than a year so I could go and start my new life up north. I heard everything from teaching her child discipline, phone calls to a dead beat ex-boyfriend, to teaching her son how to walk the dog. These occurrences were major life happenings going on her life, and I witnessed them from my porch. Strangely enough, she would always walk by as I would be going through shit of my own. Everything from the demise of a 3 year relationship, my phone calls about changing careers, and my very last drink of cheap vodka ( almost 2 years sober from that bottle ).

 I was in that apartment 3 years longer than I expected. It was in no way a bad thing. Although, there were times where I was unsure how to proceed. And I'm sure that woman thought the same thing. I think that is why she bought the puppy. I noticed that with the addition to that puppy, it created a sense of growth in the relationship with her son, and it was also a way to help teach her son responsibility. The day they brought that puppy home, was around the same time I left behind my life as an actor. I chose to bring stability back into my life and get a job at the radio station. I never got the names of this woman or her son and I'll never truly know her full story, but I believe God put them in my life to let me know that we are all in this together. I wasn't going to really understand this concept until I had moved out of that apartment and into my new living situation. It was also because of learning that lesson that I was able to finally let go of my past and move on with my life. I finally feel like my past will never come back to haunt me, for I have come to peace with what God has in place for me ahead. All I can do now is live by the faith of God because he has everything under control. And I encourage you all to do the same, life is so much easier once you grab onto that concept.



 "Did she let him go or did the four winds blow him away. Does she even know She's the girl with the red balloon." - The Civil Wars

Forward it Paid

"I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are - even if they're bad - to change. 'Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses." - Trevor (Haley Joel Osment)

That quote was taken from the film "Pay it Forward," one of my top 10 favorite movies. I'm not being byist because I'm a big Kevin Spacey fan, but this movie is solid across the board, and I could write a fifty page paper on this movie because it is full of greatness. But I want to focus on the quote above for the moment. Change is not easy for anyone. If it was, then the word wouldn't exist at all. People seem to get set in their ways, and even though I'm only 27, I noticed that I have fallen into a pattern; whether it be the way I choose how to make decisions, the way I treat others, or even how I spend my time after work. I know that we all have that moment where we tell ourselves, "well, this is who I am, this is what I like, and this is how I do things. So why change?" That is a way of just giving up on yourself and not being able to grow. When you don't grow or contribute to those around you, 'everybody kind of loses.'



The way I see it is, everyone that is alive at this point in time, are meant to be here for a reason. I know that there are people my age who say that they wish they were around for the '70s. But maybe the reason God didn't create them until now is because that time period might not have been the best or healthiest for that person and their personality, or their addictions for that matter. I know that I have always thought it would be cool to live through the '50s. Life was much simpler then, but the reality is, I'm here now, and so are all of you reading this. We are all here because we compliment eachother in different ways and can help eachother. That's why the idea of paying it forward is such a great idea.

About a month or so ago, I was struck with the realization that maybe the reason I am were I am in life is because my friends and family might need my undivided attention and help right now. I wouldn't be able to give them advice, or be able to help them if I was the selfish, prideful boy that I was for so long. I have gotten the feeling that the lesson that I am learning right now is how to really be there for someone. To listen, and to understand that what's important is them, and not myself. Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." One of the things I want in life is a family of my own. So how could I truly be there for my wife and family if I don't know to put them first? Learning to become humble and have integrity are the key points here. I have always been there for my family, friends, and I have always been there for my girlfriends, but I don't feel like I understood how to REALLY BE THERE for them at the same time. I didn't grasp the whole concept because my career required all of my attention. When we look to the needs of others it honors Christ.

I won't name any names, but over the past couple months, I have been able to help certain people with some of the struggles they have been faced with. Whether it be dealing with a cheating boyfriend/girlfriend, friends with anxiety, loneliness, financial issues, death of a close friend from suicide, or how to start over again. I have dealt with those issues and have come out on the other side. I am happy that people know that I can be there to help them through it. Because for me, for the most part, I had to conqueror some of those things on my own because none of my friends have ever gone through some of those issues. They were there as a listening ear, but I know the exact emotion that really makes you break down, and that's how I am able to help.

In the song "Eleanor Rigby" by the Beatles, it says, "Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave. No one was saved." Wiping the dirt from your hands is an illustration that you are going to get rid of something and forget about it. Obviously if the minister at her funeral is that anxious to be rid of her memory then who else is there to care and remember her. This is something is avoidable, and something That I feel like we all lack. For me personally, I'm learning to not "wipe" my hands. But to reach out my hand to be there, and listen. "He who has ears to hear, let him hear." - Luke 8:8. We aren't meant to go through life alone. And you don't have to be in a relationship to be considered "not alone." Some people who are in relationships/married feel alone.



If God never put me through all the really terrible experiences, I wouldn't be able to help out the others who are going through the same feelings. That is why we are all here on earth at the same time. It's not a coincidence that you meet certain people. Some people teach us patience, others teach us love. Some people teach us how to be humble, and others are there to hold our hand. God made you different so you can complenment eachother, complete eachother and strengthen eachother.

"People with a heart for God have a heart for people."

A Scotch Taped Heart

"I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum, in a restaurant, it was a Horn and Hardart cafeteria. And this beautiful girl walked in and I turned to Arthur and I said Arthur, you see that girl? I'm going to marry her. And two weeks later we were married. And it's over fifty years later and we are still married."

That story was taken from (in my opinion) the best romantic comedy of my time, "When Harry met Sally." Throughout the film they have elderly couples tell of how they met and conclude with how long they had been together. This is one of my favorite of the stories. It's a story that tugs on the ol' heart strings. It's the the concept of "love at first sight" that everyone experiences at sometime in their lives. Whether it be when you are little and you have your first crush, or later on when you spot the woman/man of your dreams. There isn't a single human being that can't tell you the story of their first crush, and you never forget the feeling that comes with it. I remember when I had my first crush, I pulled the move of writing a letter saying I liked this girl, had the check boxes "Yes" and "No" and my locker number at the bottom and stuffed it in her locker. I did get a response, it was, "I don't know who you are, so I can't answer." What a dumbass! I forgot to put my name on the letter! She did leave her phone # to call though. This was all in the 5th grade. It took me weeks to get up the nerve to call. Once I finally did, I totally got rejected. Ha Ha Ha. But 6 years later, we started dating, and that went on for 2 years. What had started off as a crush turned into my first love.

We all long for that feeling of being loved. Not the love that you receive from your parents or family members. But from someone who you know will be there no matter what. They know you better than you know better than you know yourself and vice versa. There is that level of respect for eachother that is unexplainable. I have been fortunate enough to experience these feelings at some point or another. That is the only way that I know how to explain what being in love means. In my case, I have had more than a few long term relationships, and have been in love more than once. I have come away with more wisdom after each one. I have been asked the questions, "How come you can't keep a relationship?" "What happened? Couldn't the two of you figure it out?" "What did you do?!" (I've heard that one on more than one occasion, but it was only a legit question once.) I have found that these questions can only be answered once you get your mind right after a break up. The answer that sums it up is a quote that from the film "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."



It was the part of the movie when Benjamin had spent every late night with that woman in the kitchen, and one day she was just gone. Benjamin was asked what happened, and he replies, "It ran it's course." I believe that there is a timeline for this sort of thing. Sometimes people who are meant for eachother meet too early or too late. But that's just part of the journey and makes life interesting. Sometimes it takes time and you find yourselves on the same page later on, you just met eachother a little early that's all. I like to view my heart as one that is held together with scotch tape, and I have this tape dispenser that never runs out. After every time it breaks, it takes time to tape it back together because some of the same pieces have been shattered more than once. Once it is fixed, it is more fragile than the time before. But each piece of tape represents something that was learned from the relationship. It signifies growth and integrity that will be there for the next relationship.



There is no such thing as a failed relationship. No matter how bad it was, or what was said. I have had a girlfriend of two years cheat on me, I've been left behind by another, was snubbed twice in the next venture, and had a relationship of 3 years disappear in front of my very eyes. It was not a waste of time, no matter how you look at it. It took me about a year to figure out that concept with someone I had fallen in love with. The break-up was so terrible that I viewed it as failure. I viewed it as a failure because so much time and work had been put into it, and to see it fall apart left me dis-trot, and a lot of times people don't ever recover from it, and they bring it into their next relationship. When they do that, it's not fair for the new relationship, it doesn't give it it's own room to grow. That's why time in-between to get your mind right is so healthy, this is a concept that I had to learn the hard way. . . TWICE! Ha Ha Ha! I know that sometimes we get upset because we thought that we would be married by a certain time, or it's impossible to find anyone. The reality is, you aren't in control. Jim Gallery said, "It's your choice, you can either count your blessings or recount your disappointments."

The best things in life come when you don't expect them. I had that happen to me once before, she was truly a blessing from above. The timing was just off that's all. One thing I do know is, you can't manipulate love, or who to love. Where's the fun in that? You can't just go to whom you feel "comfortable" or it feels "safe." I have found that when I feel the most terrified, that is when I find out where I belong. Everyone wants to be find love. Everyone wants to be loved. But when you truly feel loved, that's when you will feel complete. So for those of you who have found true love, cheers to you my friends, and you know that I couldn't be more happy and supportive for you. For those who haven't, you will, I promise.

"No Love Lost. . . No Love Found." - Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr.

The Confident Expectation

“Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” – Tim Robbins (Andy)

I think one of my top ten favorite movies of all time is "The Shawshank Redemption." It's about a guy named Andy (Tim Robbins), who is sent to Shawshank Prison for the murder of his wife and secret lover. He is very isolated and lonely at first, but realizes there is something deep inside your body, that people can't touch and get to....'HOPE'. Andy becomes friends with prison 'fixer' Red (Morgan Freeman), and Andy epitomizes why it is crucial to have dreams. His spirit and determination, leads us on a story filled with courage and desire. Hope is the heart of this movie. By definition, Hope means "to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment." In the bible God tells us it means "confident expectation." Hope is a firm assurance regarding things that are unclear and unknown.

Andy started out hopeless when he came into the prison, but over time he slowly found that to have patience, be still, and have hope he would be able to accomplish his escape and make it out on the other side. One of the most memorable scenes in the movie, is when we see Andy on the other side with his hands reaching for the sky as the rain comes pouring down on him. That is a feeling that we have all experienced at one point in time. It's that feeling of relief, the feeling of clarity that brings peace to your mind. That all the pain you have been through just melts away. You know what that feeling is? It's the holy spirit inside of you letting you know that God is good. This is the feeling we long for as humans. The problem is, is sometimes we forget that these are only checkpoints in life. That after we have received this blessing from God, life isn't over, and there are still problems yet to come. The good thing is, when we experience a time when God has shown us mercy, it fills us up with hope, and the idea is, is to put all your trust in God that he is in control.

“Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.” – Morgan Freeman (Red)

I have always loved this quote. It means that sometimes even though we might understand the concept of Hope, and it brings us peace of mind for the time being, we don't always receive it in the time that is best for us. Therefore, making some people a little un-easy and they start to question their faith. When we ask for Hope, it goes hand in hand with faith. This co-insides with being patient. This is something I have struggled with. Not so much the Hope and Faith aspect, but being patient. And if I can't be patient, how could I expect to understand the meaning of Hope? Over the past couple months, this is something that I have put all my energy into fixing. Because if you can't learn patience, everything falls apart. To me, it is the most important characteristic we can have. Patience also helps with confidence. How can I become a man/husband/father without the focus that patience provides to help us stay grounded? Not being patient is a terrible habit to pick up, sadly I have seen the it's long term effects. That led to a LONG prayer of asking God for forgiveness of everything I could come up with. Lucky for me, God has shown me mercy and it is a habit I can break.

To learn patience, I had to first learn to be humble. I have learned how to become humble by sitting down and re-evaluating my life. Some of the things I thought I wanted(career) weren't really what I wanted, and the things I wanted had to be realized(wife/kids). This is how I came to the conclusion that I had to leave my 4 year routine of acting and change my whole career around. I had to get a job that stared me off at the bottom and work my way up. Some people have too much pride and don't start over again. They don't see the big picture. I knew that by starting off at the bottom means that I could only work my way up! There is no downside. This can be hard for some people to do, because they have spent so much time and energy working hard for something that they knew wasn't going anywhere, or even the best for them. To really humble yourself, you must surrender yourself to God and ask him to bestow in you the patience that is required. God only gives us enough strength to handle what is required today. Once you realize that fact, you can have peace of mind that tomorrow you will be filled back up with enough patience/strength to deal with tomorrow. Even though sometimes it might feel like we arn't filled back up, God is working behind the scenes.

It is through this that I am filled with Hope that God has the life I have always wanted. The certainty of this blessed future is guaranteed through the indwelling of the Spirit (Romans 8:23-25), Christ in us (Colossians 1:27), and the resurrection of Christ (Acts 2:26). Hope is produced by endurance through suffering (Romans 5:2-5). I pray for very specific requests every morning, noon, and night and I have to ask to be filled with that Hope. And I have give all my faith to Him that through Him, his will be done. Just like in the song "Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles, it says, "Little darling It's been a long, cold, lonely winter. Little darling, It feels like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun, and I say It's alright."

To Infinity and BEYOND!

"To infinity and beyond!"-Buzz Lightyear. For me that has been a movie quote that has stood the test of time. It was Thanksgiving 1995, I was in the 6th grade when that movie came out and set the bar for new film making and storytelling. The concept for the film was simple, and it related to every single person in the theater. It brought out the kid inside us. Even as a 6th grader, it took me back to the time when I used to make believe with Ninja Turtles and my race track. The reason why this movie is such a huge part of our culture is because of the lesson it teaches. The characters are lovable, the story is timeless, and the way it hits on emotional levels makes it popular.

Today, 16 years later after Toy Story was released, I still watch that movie(and it's sequels) and it reminds me of being a kid again. An unknown psychologist said, "children typically seem to feel happy, whereas grownups do not." In a nutshell he is saying we all start life happy, but somewhere over along the way to being an adult we lose that happiness. Where is it that we lose this innocence and simplicity that is childlike? To put it simply, children know how to enjoy the little things in life. To jump into puddles, climb a tree, or create something out of clay. Isaiah 64:8 says, "And yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand." How do we feel when we make something out of clay and after it has hardened, someone or something happens and it falls to the ground and breaks? If the item we made had significance, then we are saddened. That is how God feels when we stumble or try to run our lives the way we want it. He takes the clay figure that we have made on our own and breaks it so that He can start over again.

I know for me, the clay figure I shaped on my own started the day I stopped enjoying the little things in life. The little things are what makes us who we are. The little things are the detailed cravings in the clay. The little things are the things we fall in love with in a relationship. Even if they are for better or worse. The little things are what bring us back to neutral. If we let God do his job as the potter, we get to enjoy the little things in life. The things that make us feel like a kid again.

As humans, we ALL experience a time when we ignored what it was God was saying to us. Sometimes we do this out of rebellion. It's us against the world. And that idea is sometimes brought on by our peers or who we date. Because going against the grain does feel good sometimes. Because we feel a sense of freedom. A sense of doing it my way. In the song "My Way" by Frank Sinatra, his lyrics say, "Regrets? I've had a few,
But then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption. But I did it my way!" This song can be awesome when you have conquered all the elements. I admit that I have sang this song from the rooftops when when I have felt that all my hard work has paid off. The problem is, once I sang the song and got it off my chest, I forgot to realize that all that I have accomplished wasn't with the help of God. Or it was, and I didn't give him the credit. So EVERY TIME I claim I did it on my own, I was giving God the middle finger. And next thing I know, I'm laying face first in a pile of cow dung with the word jackass tattooed on my forehead.

We are called the children of God. So why don't we enjoy the little things in life that makes us feel like a kid again. Just like the feeling you get when Buzz Lightyear saves Woody from Sid and Buzz is actually flying. It's that feeling of knowing that all along, even though you knew he was a toy, you knew Buzz could fly. That is the feeling we should remind ourselves to have everyday. I had to remind myself of what that feeling is recently. I have gone back and looked at photos of when I used to be a camp counselor at bible camp, I look at the pictures that were given to me and painted by my 4 year old class, and I watched Toy Story. These things with the combination of devotions with God, and my new mentor, have reminded me that life is so much bigger than any bullshit I have EVER said that covered up the little things. I know for me, I was tried of finding myself face down covered in excrement. If we don't realize that doing it "our way" doesn't work, you can never grow.



My kids for the summer of 2005

Paid in Full

A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the
morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.

Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy
book. Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.

He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.

He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. He found a page that had a bookmarked. The verse Matthew 7:11 had been carefully underlined. It reads, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation,and the words...PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?. . .

It's a new year, I have a new job, so the blog will be completely different than this format you are used to. . . I hope those of you who do read will enjoy it, and for those who don't as much, I hope I can grab your attention once again.