Monday, July 26, 2010

Growing Pains

In the movie 'The Dark Knight' Harvey Dent says "the night is always darkest before the dawn." This is how this part of the year usually feels for me. The month of July has been so short on work that it's hard not to be negative and question myself. The problem that I've had in the past is, that even when I was busy, I was still negative. This has been going on for years. It wasn't until recently that an amazing friend had really brought it to my attention. I knew I had my moments, but I was worse than I ever thought I could be. It has been because of this that I have ruined relationships and even lost respect from the people that mean the most to me. If i had kept up this pattern, I would lose friendships and family support. For those who have loved and lost, you know that the pain sometimes is too much take. And for what? To be in a Pizza Hut commercial? That's not worth it to me. So for the past 6 weeks I took some time aside in my day to contemplate how to turn this around. Which required a lot of personal time with the Big Guy upstairs.

One of the things that I realized, was how much the people on set really affected me. When you break down a day on set, you will find that there is very little positivity. I am part of a crowd that is all struggling, all have personal problems, and deal with rejection on a daily basis. You might say that no matter who you are, you deal with these struggles. I will agree with that. But let me put it this way;
In between scenes, all of us background go to a holding room/tent/parking lot and spend time together. So imagine yourself surrounded by 100 people who are complaining about the food, the weather, SAG Vouchers, how hard they work, how much they don't work, they're divorced, and so on and so on. There is nothing more draining than to listen to that all day, while at the same time, I am trying to focus on finding work for the next day, and I have been rejected 4 times before noon. You got to imagine, that when my 14 hour day is done, I am running on empty, emotionally. Physically, my body is at 100%, but emotionally a person can only take so much a day. This is something I have been doing day in, and day out for 4 years. Over those years, the industry has chipped away at some of my greater qualities that gave me an awesome start in the beginning. It's only been by the grace of God and support from friends and family that I have haven't gone completely insane.

I'm not saying that I blame my job or the work environment on my downfall. Those were simply the tiny push in the wrong direction and I was the one who let it get the best of me. You can never blame one thing, or one person for your misfortunes. All they are is be the first domino in the effect that leads to everything falling down. That's what I did, I let a few events get the best of me and I didn't rely on God for his help. Or trust him when I needed to the most. If I had caught that years ago, things would have happened a lot differently. But that doesn't matter now. What matters is that I now realize it and can move forward.

The best conclusion that I came to, was to go back to the time, before I was affected by the environment I had become apart of. Before I became my own worst enemy. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. This all goes with what I wrote in the blog 'Shadow of the Day,' I have realized my mistakes and know what I need to do to turn this all around. And it all starts with swallowing my pride and going back to square one. God has given me some amazing friends in my life, and has put them in my life for a reason. And to drive them away with my attitude and negativity would be the biggest mistake I could EVER make. That would be a pain I couldn't bare. If I stay where I am, I won't move upward. I will stay in the same place and slowly slide back down. I will keep driving people away, and miss out on what God's bigger plan is. God says "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know."

So for those of you who have stuck it out with me for all these years, I can't thank you enough. I never thought that chasing after my dream would cause me to lose myself in the process. "The question isn't 'what should I be doing?' but 'who am I becoming?' Self awareness is one of the most critical characteristics of personal effectiveness and productivity. There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain...This is why you cannot grow without a humble, teachable attitude." -Rick Warren

2 comments:

  1. Dude I don't know if I just don't see you enough but by far the last word I would ever use to describe you is negative. I think you're a champ for doing what you do. How many people do you know who accept some shitty job as a career they can never escape. You may have a chance to be a movie star...why not go for it while you can. Anyhow all of us Watkins think you're awesome.

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  2. Kyle,
    You are my treasure! You have been since you were 2! Putting it all in God's hands is the only way to go! I pray daily for you and all you do. I know you will make it! There is no small part. You are going to be a star! I know it! And nobody argues with a Fazio! Luv ya darlin!

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