Square into a Circle

i'm in a familiar place. the living room of my home in tahoe. i can hear my mother's voice, but can't make out what it is she's saying. the air feels warm and i'm laying on a blanket. my hand clings to a stuffed bunny rabbit and i roll over. i see my baby brother wearing one of those footed pajamas for he is an infant. i feel safe. there's a smell of food cooking in the kitchen, but i can't put my finger on what it is. all i feel is this overwhelming feeling of comfort.

BANG! my eyes open but all i see is darkness and i am freezing. i hear a voice ask if i'm hungry. i quickly remember when i am. my shirt was covering my eyes from the bright lights above. i reply, "YES", and i hear a plate slide onto a tiny ledge. i take the shirt off my face and reveal my reality. i was in cell block A of the santa monica police station. i put my shirt back on to bring back my body heat i had lost from the quick nap i had. with no clocks or windows, it is uncertain as to how long i feel asleep. odds are it wasn't as long as i had hoped. i grab my plate of two pancakes, apple, slice of wheat bread, and carton of milk and start to add substance to my empty stomach. once finished i place the empty plate back on the ledge and lay my head back down apon my laceless shoes. to prevent people from harming themselves in a cell, they take out the laces of your shoes. because i had no pillow, i stacked my shoes to add some lift for my head. my dream of being in my living room with my family seemed so suddenly distant. this memory stems from a home video i have seen before. Questions start to go through my head a mile a minute. "how could you be such an idiot?" "where did i go wrong?" "what were you thinking?" I try to trace back to a time where i might have started to show signs of drifting. what goes through my head next are all the names of people i know that have been in jail before me.



it's a constant whirlwind of anxiety and panic that goes through your mind/body/soul. anxiety and panic are affects that alcohol can have on a man. i sit upward to try and calm myself down. i stare down at the seat-less toilet that sits in front of me. i have been through anxiety and panic attacks before, so i try to apply what i learned from the last tragic event to this one. then it hits me. i get down on my knees and pray. and ask God to explain to me where my judgment went wrong. the obvious is pointed out. don't drink and drive. ok. what else. what brought me to make such a dumb decision?

my mind goes back to the night before. back in april i had picked up a second job through my boss at the radio station. his brother in law owns this business called "the beach barcycle." it is a 16 person pub crawl up and down the beach cities. the people peddle, i steer it, and have the brake. i had gotten off my last shift of the night. my clients had been some folks my age and they wanted to give me a tip for my services. they didn't have any cash, so they offered to take me out after my shift and buy me drinks to compensate for not tipping me. they were fun guys, cute girls, and i accepted their offer. we went from bar to bar enjoying eachother's company and drinks were coming and going. at one bar there was a Beatles cover band and eventually we ended up at this irish pub.

remembering that i had parked in a meter spot before my shift, i knew that my time had started to run out. last call was given, so i said goodbye to everyone, and went to my car. i was a little past the time, but no ticket. knowing that i had to work in the morning, i figured i would sleep in my car and drive there in the morning. but i didn't want a ticket. there is a neighborhood directly behind the street i was parked on. so i figured i would go park in front of a house. after driving a few blocks, i felt like i was somewhat safe to drive home and sleep in my own bed. so i take a dimly lit street a little too sharp and knocked out a corner of a fence. i get out of the car. check the damage. no bueno. to make room for other cars that might come down the street, i move my car to the a safe parking space on the next street.

as i walk back to the scene of the crime, i see red and blue lights flash around in the sky. i show up. the cops ask me who i am. i tell them i am the guy who hit the fence. they ask if i had been drinking. knowing that telling the truth could help me in court, i reply, "yes". after a series of tests, and blowing into the breathalyzer, they put me in hand cuffs and into the back of the cop car i went. i inform them of where my car is and explained why i moved it. they said it's not often someone returns to the scene of the crime and actually tells the truth. i told them that i am a man with nothing to lose and nothing to hide. no one was looking for me that night. no one is waiting for me to come home. i don't have a pet that is of concern. no close family in the city. this was my reality check. so again, what brought me to make such a dumb decision? it was a accumulation of these realities. i had let myself slip into this gnarly lifestyle of no consequence. at the end of the day, there is no human to hold me accountable for my actions. only God can hold me accountable. are all my actions out of line or irresponsible? no. what happens is, when you live by yourself and you are single, you gravitate towards others in your same position. because they can relate. you meet new people on a constant basis. some are good influences, others aren't.  

it's been 5 months since my incident, and has this been a tough pill to swallow? absolutely. toughest lesson i've ever had to learn. this was never a matter of drinking. it was a matter of  God putting me back in check. i thought that by the time i would be 29 i would have already been married, steady career, and not be living in the backyard of someone's home making minimum wage. but this is my reality. the greatest realization i have come to through all this, is, ever since i moved to california 10 years ago, i have tried to fit a square into a circle. there's no time table to life. and i haven't done anything to set me back. everything i have done has been apart of God's plan. so for those of you who have maybe judged me for my actions, or my decisions, you should probably check your self before you wreck yourself. because i'm not the first person to make this mistake, and i'm definitely not the last. i may not have it all together. but one thing is for sure, i will never look back on my life and think i should have done things differently.  the way it feels to understand and incorporate this sort of acceptance, is priceless. 

"It's your choice. You can either count your blessings or recount your disappointments." - Jim Gallery