A Heavy Heart : Open Letter to the World pt. 2

Well, it's the start of my 4th week at the radio station, and things are starting to fall into place. I know what the job entails and what is expected of me. It has been an adjustment and a lot of trial and error. It feels good to have a job that I can set a goal and accomplish it. When I was acting full time, there was never any certainty of anything. All empty promises. Sure, there are good things that came from it, and I learned a lot. But I was missing the point the entire time. I was doing everything on my own. It didn't matter how much effort I was putting into finding the work, and going to work. At the end of the day, there wasn't anyone there that cared how much of an effort I made to get the job. There was no fellowship, there wasn't any positivity. I was in the mix of a sea of people who were all out for themselves.

For the past 4 years I slowly lost some of the best qualities God gave me. I put all my focus and energy into making sure I had work the following day, and when the day was done, I neglected any blessings God had put in my path. When I started to fully commit to acting, all my beliefs, friendships, and relationships had started to slowly fall to the waist side. And I made some of the same mistakes more than once. I wasn't being a man. Sadly, when God wants to wake you up, he doesn't just give you a smack on the back of the head. He pulls the rug right from under you and you fall hard. God intervened in my life recently that really made an impact on my life, and the repercussions have been too much to bear at times. I will admit that I am a broken man, it's mostly why I haven't written to much in the past month or so. I'm getting my mind right.

William Booth said, "The greatness of a man's power is in the measure of his surrender." That is what God wants us to do. He wants us to surrender to him so that we may live the life he has planned for us. Unfortunately, I surrendered myself to what I thought it took to be successful in the entertainment industry. I wasn't being a man of God, or even a man for that matter. I was a guy who thought he was focused and thought that all his hard days were behind him. Not the case.

In my heart I have always known that I wanted a christian home, a family, with 3 kids, and a job that can provide for them. By going after acting, I found that it was all about me in the present time, not looking to the future that I know God has for me. With the lifestyle I had fallen into, there is NO WAY I could be the man/husband/father that could take care of his children and wife. When I realized this concept, I broke down and cried (not one of my finer moments). I cried because I wasn't being the man God wanted me to become at this point in my life. It is too much for me to bear to go through such heartache again. To me, those are the most important things in life, family and fellowship, and how could I have those things with the mindset I had created over the past couple years. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen overnight or with a snap of fingers.

With this new job, it has helped me find myself again. I say this because it has given me stability back in my life. My hours of operation aren't 15 hour days. I can go and worship with people my age again on a weeknight. I can save money for the future again. Friends, Family, and relationships have always meant the world to me, and I want to show all of you again the person you feel in love with. For those of you who have met me in the last couple years, you met me on my way down. Please forgive me. I will not stay the man who worries about money (God will provide) worries about petty things (God will provide)gets irritated with his fellow man (ask God for patience). I'm finally becoming the man God meant for me to be.

"Surrender your whole being to him, to be used for righteous purposes." - Romans 6:13