Envisions of Silhouettes

Just about 2 months into my job and I feel like I finally have a good handle on what is expected of me. This is a good feeling on many levels. I can now start to express where I find more interest out of all the departments. I have expressed to one of my managers where it is I would like to go from here. I realize that I haven't been there as long as some of my co-workers, but that doesn't mean I can't work harder to pass them. I expressed that I want to do voice over for the commercials that air in between songs. I would like to help out more with the pop culture blogging and twitter accounts that they provide on their website as well. The last thing I asked was to be considered to be apart of the "first listen sessions" they have for new music. You would give your opinion on it, and also contribute to other new songs you have heard that you feel the station should play.

I finally feel apart of a team and that is something that has been missing in my life for a long time. It is part of the many things God has been teaching me these past months. It's all apart of the big picture that He has been trying to show me. I have been given a job that creates stability in my life. Stability is the source of what keeps sanity. Having said that, I have decided to put acting on the shelves until God gives me the green light again, if he does at all. I will still work on "How I Met Your Mother" when they call me, because that has been a big part of my life for 3 years. My reason for making this decision is simple. . . it's for my own health and well-being and for those I care about most. Let me explain:

When I gave up everything and became an actor full time, I invested ALL my time and ALL my energy to finding work and networking. With all my focus going in that direction it took all my patience and focus on what is important. So at the end of the day, my attitude was based on whether or not I was successful to get work for the following day. I didn't have any energy or patience left in me to give toward my friends or significant other. I was running on empty every night I went to bed. This is where negativity started to come into play. With negativity came irritability with my surroundings. Even the most beautiful of things looked dark to me. I was only my true self some of the time. When this was all going on, people around me where moving forward in their careers and relationships, while I was moving backwards.

As I have been working on myself on becoming a better man, and learning what it is to be someone who can provide/care for my future wife and children, it has become clear to stop that lifestyle all together. It is because of lifestyles like these people lose what is most important in their lives. And for me, I envisioned my wife walking out on me and taking my children with her. I envisioned this image because with that lifestyle comes excuses and empty promises you make over and over again. I have missed out on great fellowship and important days because I made the excuse of "well this might be my break, this might be my audition." Those are events I can't ever have back. If you apply this to later on in life, I would miss my son's 1st birthday or my anniversary with my wife. Once I envisioned this, I told myself that I will never become that man. It's a lesson that I am very grateful that I am being taught. Because if I were to watch the silhouette of my wife and children walk out on me it would be a pain I don't think I would be able to bear. And I was definitely on that path of destruction.

Luckily for me, God has shown me mercy. Even though it has been a hard road to fix habits and characteristics I have picked up, I have peace of mind that God has been building me back to the man he intended me to be. I want to be the best man I can be when it comes to all aspects in my life; at work, husband, father, loyal friend, boyfriend, son in law, brother in law, and brother. Never will I ever wonder "What if" because I know where my heart was while I perused that career. When my heart is in the right place for my career, I will be happy and know that is where I am suppose to be. My future and those who I love depend on it.

My mouth shall speak wisdom, and the meditation of my heart shall give understanding. PSALM 49:3

Character: The Heart of Man

Character - A description of a person's attributes, traits, or abilities. Character is a really strong word when you think about it. It defines who we are as a person and is what people judge us by. So don't you want your character to be one that is kind, thoughtful, strong, patient, and wise? Ofcoarse we do. I know many people who have all these attributes, but they don't necessarily let them show all the time, or at the right times for that matter. Why is it that sometimes we pick and choose to use some our better characteristics when we feel it's necessary? It's as if we have all our best characteristics in a tool belt. We only use them on certain people at certain times to manipulate a situation to go our way. Which ultimately fails because God is in control and you can't manipulate a situation that he already has planned out. It just sends you onto another path that will take you longer to get to the next check point. That means you didn't have faith that he will take care of you. It's human nature to show people what we want them to see. But that's not being honest.

This is something that I began to struggle with as I began my journey to figuring out what it took to be an actor. It's funny because you are wanting to have a career out of portraying a character. But if you don't have your own character grounded, then how are you suppose to make yourself believable on screen? It's a hard balance to figure out. One that not everyone is blessed with. Personally, I'm not even sure if I am blessed with that ability. If I am, then God will reveal it to me when the time is right. Because right now, He is working on my character through the troubles that I have created for myself over the past couple years. Rick Warren says, "When we have troubles, those troubles help us produce patience. And patience produces character." Patience is something that I lost along the way, and has lead me to fall. This is one of the main points that God has pointed out to me. If I want to be a man and be caring toward my fellow man and wife, patience must be learned. Patience is a huge part of one's character. Character development always involves a choice. If you don't make the choice to work on your character, then you won't grow. And that applies to every aspect of your life, job, relationship, friendship, and family.

Sometimes we are not aware of how our character affects those around us. When I had created a selfish lifestyle two years ago I let my character slip. My love for investing in my friendships and relationships hadn't been to my full potential. It was there enough for people to still know I was alive. But the guy who used to be a mentor to the youth and buy a meal from a friend who had a long day of waiting tables, had fallen. The positive part is, you can work on your character to help you grow. It's not something that can you can lose and never gain back. But, don't get me wrong, it came with a price for me to realize that I had to truly work on it. God saw what made me the happiest, my biggest distraction from him, and shook up my world. He knew what my heart desired, but knew the character of my heart needed some work in order to fully fulfill that desire. It's a slow process getting back to reminding yourself who you used to be. A great sister in Christ recently shared with me her story about how it feels to look back and see how she's grown. She taught me that although it takes a little time, we grow into our character, and people notice it.

But you can't work on anything without putting your faith in God to get you there. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." This is a great example because we have all tripped or fallen down a couple stairs. So we all know what it feels like to fall, and no one likes that feeling. Just like Indiana Jones in the last crusade, he had to take that step of faith off the cliff. If he didn't have faith he wouldn't have stepped apon the invisible bridge to get across to the other side. But faith is a whole other blog.

Audience of Two: Open Letter to the World pt. 3

It is yet an end to another week. To most people it's, "another day, another dollar." I hear this saying a lot and I myself have even said it. It became something I would tell myself at the end of the day. Looking back on it, it was just another way of saying, "I got through today, and tomorrow doesn't look much different." It's a way to get some people onto the weekend and closer to the the goal that they see in the future. But I think that sometimes as we get into the routine of saying it, we start to kid ourselves. For example, when I first started out as an actor and got it into my head that there was a lot of hustling around and spinning my wheels, and the best way to make me feel better was to tell myself that it was "another day, another dollar." It is because of this mentality that we sometimes miss out on life and the people we surround ourselves with. It's funny because we use this mechanism to help time go faster to when we think our lives will be where we want it. But we don't even know when technically that time is. I know for me, that time will be when I am married, have kids, a steady job, and friends to fellowship with. But how can we get to this point if all we do is cross off another day on the calendar and go to bed?

The obvious answer is to put your faith and trust in God that you will get there. But that means you got to talk with him AND listen. If the relationship part isn't there, how can you grow and enjoy life? You can, and people do, but, they feel emptiness. I have been there before. A couple years ago, I had created for myself a life that worked for "me." I had been dropped from a 3 year relationship, and the only way I was able to pick myself back up was to tell myself that I didn't need anyone but me. I did whatever I wanted; I was sleeping on couches of friends houses on the weekends and was just living a life of a nomad. I was also acting at the time, so all my focus went into finding work, and my hours of operation were so off the wall that I was barely home. This lifestyle worked for me because I had created a schedule so busy I didn't have time to worry or even care about the future. The mentality I had was, "it is, what it is, and things will just fall into place. I don't know when, but they will."

I had also created a confidence that I had never felt before. It was like I was an audience of one. Confidence is a great trait, and is attractive to people. But it's a trait that walks a fine line. I created this life because it kept me occupied and helped keep my mind off the fact that I didn't have a girlfriend to care for. It was because of this ignorance that I would soon find out that I missed out on times spent in the final months of living with one of my best friends. At the end of the day an emptiness lingered. It was the eerie feeling of loneliness that always reminded that relationships are important, both with God and my girlfriend.

That was my mentality for awhile. This is the mentality of a true schmuck. Anyone that grew up with me can tell you that the one thing I believe in is restoring relationships. This was something that has never left, it just disappeared. It is because of this gift that God has given me, it has been helping in my process to becoming a better man. The bible says that "we must bear the 'burden' of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others." I love the word considerate because it is so simple and has so much meaning. I took a year and a half from that concept. I became selfish, cynical, and irritable. WHAT AN IDIOT.

By losing the grip on this concept it has cost me more emotional pain beyond anything that I can explain. It caused me pain because I had a good long talk with God about over a year ago, and he provided. I was so excited that he actually provided, that I forgot to hold up my end of the relationship with him. And with that came consequences. You have to go above and beyond in all that you do. In order to be a man/husband/father, I can't go back to be the nomad I became. Life isn't about making yourself so busy that you feel like it might speed up the process. Don't make yourself occupied because it helps hide a problem, because that problem won't go away or get resolved. You will bring that problem with you where ever you go, causing you to make the same mistakes or run away. Because I can tell you from experience that even though it's an easy way to go about it. But it's not the right way to go about it. You are going to miss out on the relationships God has put in your life, and sometimes you will never get those back, but I believe all relationships are worth saving. Erwin McManus says, "Life is about growth. Growth demands change. Change requires humility."