A Scotch Taped Heart

"I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum, in a restaurant, it was a Horn and Hardart cafeteria. And this beautiful girl walked in and I turned to Arthur and I said Arthur, you see that girl? I'm going to marry her. And two weeks later we were married. And it's over fifty years later and we are still married."

That story was taken from (in my opinion) the best romantic comedy of my time, "When Harry met Sally." Throughout the film they have elderly couples tell of how they met and conclude with how long they had been together. This is one of my favorite of the stories. It's a story that tugs on the ol' heart strings. It's the the concept of "love at first sight" that everyone experiences at sometime in their lives. Whether it be when you are little and you have your first crush, or later on when you spot the woman/man of your dreams. There isn't a single human being that can't tell you the story of their first crush, and you never forget the feeling that comes with it. I remember when I had my first crush, I pulled the move of writing a letter saying I liked this girl, had the check boxes "Yes" and "No" and my locker number at the bottom and stuffed it in her locker. I did get a response, it was, "I don't know who you are, so I can't answer." What a dumbass! I forgot to put my name on the letter! She did leave her phone # to call though. This was all in the 5th grade. It took me weeks to get up the nerve to call. Once I finally did, I totally got rejected. Ha Ha Ha. But 6 years later, we started dating, and that went on for 2 years. What had started off as a crush turned into my first love.

We all long for that feeling of being loved. Not the love that you receive from your parents or family members. But from someone who you know will be there no matter what. They know you better than you know better than you know yourself and vice versa. There is that level of respect for eachother that is unexplainable. I have been fortunate enough to experience these feelings at some point or another. That is the only way that I know how to explain what being in love means. In my case, I have had more than a few long term relationships, and have been in love more than once. I have come away with more wisdom after each one. I have been asked the questions, "How come you can't keep a relationship?" "What happened? Couldn't the two of you figure it out?" "What did you do?!" (I've heard that one on more than one occasion, but it was only a legit question once.) I have found that these questions can only be answered once you get your mind right after a break up. The answer that sums it up is a quote that from the film "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."



It was the part of the movie when Benjamin had spent every late night with that woman in the kitchen, and one day she was just gone. Benjamin was asked what happened, and he replies, "It ran it's course." I believe that there is a timeline for this sort of thing. Sometimes people who are meant for eachother meet too early or too late. But that's just part of the journey and makes life interesting. Sometimes it takes time and you find yourselves on the same page later on, you just met eachother a little early that's all. I like to view my heart as one that is held together with scotch tape, and I have this tape dispenser that never runs out. After every time it breaks, it takes time to tape it back together because some of the same pieces have been shattered more than once. Once it is fixed, it is more fragile than the time before. But each piece of tape represents something that was learned from the relationship. It signifies growth and integrity that will be there for the next relationship.



There is no such thing as a failed relationship. No matter how bad it was, or what was said. I have had a girlfriend of two years cheat on me, I've been left behind by another, was snubbed twice in the next venture, and had a relationship of 3 years disappear in front of my very eyes. It was not a waste of time, no matter how you look at it. It took me about a year to figure out that concept with someone I had fallen in love with. The break-up was so terrible that I viewed it as failure. I viewed it as a failure because so much time and work had been put into it, and to see it fall apart left me dis-trot, and a lot of times people don't ever recover from it, and they bring it into their next relationship. When they do that, it's not fair for the new relationship, it doesn't give it it's own room to grow. That's why time in-between to get your mind right is so healthy, this is a concept that I had to learn the hard way. . . TWICE! Ha Ha Ha! I know that sometimes we get upset because we thought that we would be married by a certain time, or it's impossible to find anyone. The reality is, you aren't in control. Jim Gallery said, "It's your choice, you can either count your blessings or recount your disappointments."

The best things in life come when you don't expect them. I had that happen to me once before, she was truly a blessing from above. The timing was just off that's all. One thing I do know is, you can't manipulate love, or who to love. Where's the fun in that? You can't just go to whom you feel "comfortable" or it feels "safe." I have found that when I feel the most terrified, that is when I find out where I belong. Everyone wants to be find love. Everyone wants to be loved. But when you truly feel loved, that's when you will feel complete. So for those of you who have found true love, cheers to you my friends, and you know that I couldn't be more happy and supportive for you. For those who haven't, you will, I promise.

"No Love Lost. . . No Love Found." - Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr.

The Confident Expectation

“Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” – Tim Robbins (Andy)

I think one of my top ten favorite movies of all time is "The Shawshank Redemption." It's about a guy named Andy (Tim Robbins), who is sent to Shawshank Prison for the murder of his wife and secret lover. He is very isolated and lonely at first, but realizes there is something deep inside your body, that people can't touch and get to....'HOPE'. Andy becomes friends with prison 'fixer' Red (Morgan Freeman), and Andy epitomizes why it is crucial to have dreams. His spirit and determination, leads us on a story filled with courage and desire. Hope is the heart of this movie. By definition, Hope means "to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment." In the bible God tells us it means "confident expectation." Hope is a firm assurance regarding things that are unclear and unknown.

Andy started out hopeless when he came into the prison, but over time he slowly found that to have patience, be still, and have hope he would be able to accomplish his escape and make it out on the other side. One of the most memorable scenes in the movie, is when we see Andy on the other side with his hands reaching for the sky as the rain comes pouring down on him. That is a feeling that we have all experienced at one point in time. It's that feeling of relief, the feeling of clarity that brings peace to your mind. That all the pain you have been through just melts away. You know what that feeling is? It's the holy spirit inside of you letting you know that God is good. This is the feeling we long for as humans. The problem is, is sometimes we forget that these are only checkpoints in life. That after we have received this blessing from God, life isn't over, and there are still problems yet to come. The good thing is, when we experience a time when God has shown us mercy, it fills us up with hope, and the idea is, is to put all your trust in God that he is in control.

“Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.” – Morgan Freeman (Red)

I have always loved this quote. It means that sometimes even though we might understand the concept of Hope, and it brings us peace of mind for the time being, we don't always receive it in the time that is best for us. Therefore, making some people a little un-easy and they start to question their faith. When we ask for Hope, it goes hand in hand with faith. This co-insides with being patient. This is something I have struggled with. Not so much the Hope and Faith aspect, but being patient. And if I can't be patient, how could I expect to understand the meaning of Hope? Over the past couple months, this is something that I have put all my energy into fixing. Because if you can't learn patience, everything falls apart. To me, it is the most important characteristic we can have. Patience also helps with confidence. How can I become a man/husband/father without the focus that patience provides to help us stay grounded? Not being patient is a terrible habit to pick up, sadly I have seen the it's long term effects. That led to a LONG prayer of asking God for forgiveness of everything I could come up with. Lucky for me, God has shown me mercy and it is a habit I can break.

To learn patience, I had to first learn to be humble. I have learned how to become humble by sitting down and re-evaluating my life. Some of the things I thought I wanted(career) weren't really what I wanted, and the things I wanted had to be realized(wife/kids). This is how I came to the conclusion that I had to leave my 4 year routine of acting and change my whole career around. I had to get a job that stared me off at the bottom and work my way up. Some people have too much pride and don't start over again. They don't see the big picture. I knew that by starting off at the bottom means that I could only work my way up! There is no downside. This can be hard for some people to do, because they have spent so much time and energy working hard for something that they knew wasn't going anywhere, or even the best for them. To really humble yourself, you must surrender yourself to God and ask him to bestow in you the patience that is required. God only gives us enough strength to handle what is required today. Once you realize that fact, you can have peace of mind that tomorrow you will be filled back up with enough patience/strength to deal with tomorrow. Even though sometimes it might feel like we arn't filled back up, God is working behind the scenes.

It is through this that I am filled with Hope that God has the life I have always wanted. The certainty of this blessed future is guaranteed through the indwelling of the Spirit (Romans 8:23-25), Christ in us (Colossians 1:27), and the resurrection of Christ (Acts 2:26). Hope is produced by endurance through suffering (Romans 5:2-5). I pray for very specific requests every morning, noon, and night and I have to ask to be filled with that Hope. And I have give all my faith to Him that through Him, his will be done. Just like in the song "Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles, it says, "Little darling It's been a long, cold, lonely winter. Little darling, It feels like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun, and I say It's alright."

To Infinity and BEYOND!

"To infinity and beyond!"-Buzz Lightyear. For me that has been a movie quote that has stood the test of time. It was Thanksgiving 1995, I was in the 6th grade when that movie came out and set the bar for new film making and storytelling. The concept for the film was simple, and it related to every single person in the theater. It brought out the kid inside us. Even as a 6th grader, it took me back to the time when I used to make believe with Ninja Turtles and my race track. The reason why this movie is such a huge part of our culture is because of the lesson it teaches. The characters are lovable, the story is timeless, and the way it hits on emotional levels makes it popular.

Today, 16 years later after Toy Story was released, I still watch that movie(and it's sequels) and it reminds me of being a kid again. An unknown psychologist said, "children typically seem to feel happy, whereas grownups do not." In a nutshell he is saying we all start life happy, but somewhere over along the way to being an adult we lose that happiness. Where is it that we lose this innocence and simplicity that is childlike? To put it simply, children know how to enjoy the little things in life. To jump into puddles, climb a tree, or create something out of clay. Isaiah 64:8 says, "And yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand." How do we feel when we make something out of clay and after it has hardened, someone or something happens and it falls to the ground and breaks? If the item we made had significance, then we are saddened. That is how God feels when we stumble or try to run our lives the way we want it. He takes the clay figure that we have made on our own and breaks it so that He can start over again.

I know for me, the clay figure I shaped on my own started the day I stopped enjoying the little things in life. The little things are what makes us who we are. The little things are the detailed cravings in the clay. The little things are the things we fall in love with in a relationship. Even if they are for better or worse. The little things are what bring us back to neutral. If we let God do his job as the potter, we get to enjoy the little things in life. The things that make us feel like a kid again.

As humans, we ALL experience a time when we ignored what it was God was saying to us. Sometimes we do this out of rebellion. It's us against the world. And that idea is sometimes brought on by our peers or who we date. Because going against the grain does feel good sometimes. Because we feel a sense of freedom. A sense of doing it my way. In the song "My Way" by Frank Sinatra, his lyrics say, "Regrets? I've had a few,
But then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption. But I did it my way!" This song can be awesome when you have conquered all the elements. I admit that I have sang this song from the rooftops when when I have felt that all my hard work has paid off. The problem is, once I sang the song and got it off my chest, I forgot to realize that all that I have accomplished wasn't with the help of God. Or it was, and I didn't give him the credit. So EVERY TIME I claim I did it on my own, I was giving God the middle finger. And next thing I know, I'm laying face first in a pile of cow dung with the word jackass tattooed on my forehead.

We are called the children of God. So why don't we enjoy the little things in life that makes us feel like a kid again. Just like the feeling you get when Buzz Lightyear saves Woody from Sid and Buzz is actually flying. It's that feeling of knowing that all along, even though you knew he was a toy, you knew Buzz could fly. That is the feeling we should remind ourselves to have everyday. I had to remind myself of what that feeling is recently. I have gone back and looked at photos of when I used to be a camp counselor at bible camp, I look at the pictures that were given to me and painted by my 4 year old class, and I watched Toy Story. These things with the combination of devotions with God, and my new mentor, have reminded me that life is so much bigger than any bullshit I have EVER said that covered up the little things. I know for me, I was tried of finding myself face down covered in excrement. If we don't realize that doing it "our way" doesn't work, you can never grow.



My kids for the summer of 2005

Paid in Full

A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the
morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.

Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy
book. Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.

He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.

He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. He found a page that had a bookmarked. The verse Matthew 7:11 had been carefully underlined. It reads, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation,and the words...PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?. . .

It's a new year, I have a new job, so the blog will be completely different than this format you are used to. . . I hope those of you who do read will enjoy it, and for those who don't as much, I hope I can grab your attention once again.

Envisions of Silhouettes

Just about 2 months into my job and I feel like I finally have a good handle on what is expected of me. This is a good feeling on many levels. I can now start to express where I find more interest out of all the departments. I have expressed to one of my managers where it is I would like to go from here. I realize that I haven't been there as long as some of my co-workers, but that doesn't mean I can't work harder to pass them. I expressed that I want to do voice over for the commercials that air in between songs. I would like to help out more with the pop culture blogging and twitter accounts that they provide on their website as well. The last thing I asked was to be considered to be apart of the "first listen sessions" they have for new music. You would give your opinion on it, and also contribute to other new songs you have heard that you feel the station should play.

I finally feel apart of a team and that is something that has been missing in my life for a long time. It is part of the many things God has been teaching me these past months. It's all apart of the big picture that He has been trying to show me. I have been given a job that creates stability in my life. Stability is the source of what keeps sanity. Having said that, I have decided to put acting on the shelves until God gives me the green light again, if he does at all. I will still work on "How I Met Your Mother" when they call me, because that has been a big part of my life for 3 years. My reason for making this decision is simple. . . it's for my own health and well-being and for those I care about most. Let me explain:

When I gave up everything and became an actor full time, I invested ALL my time and ALL my energy to finding work and networking. With all my focus going in that direction it took all my patience and focus on what is important. So at the end of the day, my attitude was based on whether or not I was successful to get work for the following day. I didn't have any energy or patience left in me to give toward my friends or significant other. I was running on empty every night I went to bed. This is where negativity started to come into play. With negativity came irritability with my surroundings. Even the most beautiful of things looked dark to me. I was only my true self some of the time. When this was all going on, people around me where moving forward in their careers and relationships, while I was moving backwards.

As I have been working on myself on becoming a better man, and learning what it is to be someone who can provide/care for my future wife and children, it has become clear to stop that lifestyle all together. It is because of lifestyles like these people lose what is most important in their lives. And for me, I envisioned my wife walking out on me and taking my children with her. I envisioned this image because with that lifestyle comes excuses and empty promises you make over and over again. I have missed out on great fellowship and important days because I made the excuse of "well this might be my break, this might be my audition." Those are events I can't ever have back. If you apply this to later on in life, I would miss my son's 1st birthday or my anniversary with my wife. Once I envisioned this, I told myself that I will never become that man. It's a lesson that I am very grateful that I am being taught. Because if I were to watch the silhouette of my wife and children walk out on me it would be a pain I don't think I would be able to bear. And I was definitely on that path of destruction.

Luckily for me, God has shown me mercy. Even though it has been a hard road to fix habits and characteristics I have picked up, I have peace of mind that God has been building me back to the man he intended me to be. I want to be the best man I can be when it comes to all aspects in my life; at work, husband, father, loyal friend, boyfriend, son in law, brother in law, and brother. Never will I ever wonder "What if" because I know where my heart was while I perused that career. When my heart is in the right place for my career, I will be happy and know that is where I am suppose to be. My future and those who I love depend on it.

My mouth shall speak wisdom, and the meditation of my heart shall give understanding. PSALM 49:3

Character: The Heart of Man

Character - A description of a person's attributes, traits, or abilities. Character is a really strong word when you think about it. It defines who we are as a person and is what people judge us by. So don't you want your character to be one that is kind, thoughtful, strong, patient, and wise? Ofcoarse we do. I know many people who have all these attributes, but they don't necessarily let them show all the time, or at the right times for that matter. Why is it that sometimes we pick and choose to use some our better characteristics when we feel it's necessary? It's as if we have all our best characteristics in a tool belt. We only use them on certain people at certain times to manipulate a situation to go our way. Which ultimately fails because God is in control and you can't manipulate a situation that he already has planned out. It just sends you onto another path that will take you longer to get to the next check point. That means you didn't have faith that he will take care of you. It's human nature to show people what we want them to see. But that's not being honest.

This is something that I began to struggle with as I began my journey to figuring out what it took to be an actor. It's funny because you are wanting to have a career out of portraying a character. But if you don't have your own character grounded, then how are you suppose to make yourself believable on screen? It's a hard balance to figure out. One that not everyone is blessed with. Personally, I'm not even sure if I am blessed with that ability. If I am, then God will reveal it to me when the time is right. Because right now, He is working on my character through the troubles that I have created for myself over the past couple years. Rick Warren says, "When we have troubles, those troubles help us produce patience. And patience produces character." Patience is something that I lost along the way, and has lead me to fall. This is one of the main points that God has pointed out to me. If I want to be a man and be caring toward my fellow man and wife, patience must be learned. Patience is a huge part of one's character. Character development always involves a choice. If you don't make the choice to work on your character, then you won't grow. And that applies to every aspect of your life, job, relationship, friendship, and family.

Sometimes we are not aware of how our character affects those around us. When I had created a selfish lifestyle two years ago I let my character slip. My love for investing in my friendships and relationships hadn't been to my full potential. It was there enough for people to still know I was alive. But the guy who used to be a mentor to the youth and buy a meal from a friend who had a long day of waiting tables, had fallen. The positive part is, you can work on your character to help you grow. It's not something that can you can lose and never gain back. But, don't get me wrong, it came with a price for me to realize that I had to truly work on it. God saw what made me the happiest, my biggest distraction from him, and shook up my world. He knew what my heart desired, but knew the character of my heart needed some work in order to fully fulfill that desire. It's a slow process getting back to reminding yourself who you used to be. A great sister in Christ recently shared with me her story about how it feels to look back and see how she's grown. She taught me that although it takes a little time, we grow into our character, and people notice it.

But you can't work on anything without putting your faith in God to get you there. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." This is a great example because we have all tripped or fallen down a couple stairs. So we all know what it feels like to fall, and no one likes that feeling. Just like Indiana Jones in the last crusade, he had to take that step of faith off the cliff. If he didn't have faith he wouldn't have stepped apon the invisible bridge to get across to the other side. But faith is a whole other blog.

Audience of Two: Open Letter to the World pt. 3

It is yet an end to another week. To most people it's, "another day, another dollar." I hear this saying a lot and I myself have even said it. It became something I would tell myself at the end of the day. Looking back on it, it was just another way of saying, "I got through today, and tomorrow doesn't look much different." It's a way to get some people onto the weekend and closer to the the goal that they see in the future. But I think that sometimes as we get into the routine of saying it, we start to kid ourselves. For example, when I first started out as an actor and got it into my head that there was a lot of hustling around and spinning my wheels, and the best way to make me feel better was to tell myself that it was "another day, another dollar." It is because of this mentality that we sometimes miss out on life and the people we surround ourselves with. It's funny because we use this mechanism to help time go faster to when we think our lives will be where we want it. But we don't even know when technically that time is. I know for me, that time will be when I am married, have kids, a steady job, and friends to fellowship with. But how can we get to this point if all we do is cross off another day on the calendar and go to bed?

The obvious answer is to put your faith and trust in God that you will get there. But that means you got to talk with him AND listen. If the relationship part isn't there, how can you grow and enjoy life? You can, and people do, but, they feel emptiness. I have been there before. A couple years ago, I had created for myself a life that worked for "me." I had been dropped from a 3 year relationship, and the only way I was able to pick myself back up was to tell myself that I didn't need anyone but me. I did whatever I wanted; I was sleeping on couches of friends houses on the weekends and was just living a life of a nomad. I was also acting at the time, so all my focus went into finding work, and my hours of operation were so off the wall that I was barely home. This lifestyle worked for me because I had created a schedule so busy I didn't have time to worry or even care about the future. The mentality I had was, "it is, what it is, and things will just fall into place. I don't know when, but they will."

I had also created a confidence that I had never felt before. It was like I was an audience of one. Confidence is a great trait, and is attractive to people. But it's a trait that walks a fine line. I created this life because it kept me occupied and helped keep my mind off the fact that I didn't have a girlfriend to care for. It was because of this ignorance that I would soon find out that I missed out on times spent in the final months of living with one of my best friends. At the end of the day an emptiness lingered. It was the eerie feeling of loneliness that always reminded that relationships are important, both with God and my girlfriend.

That was my mentality for awhile. This is the mentality of a true schmuck. Anyone that grew up with me can tell you that the one thing I believe in is restoring relationships. This was something that has never left, it just disappeared. It is because of this gift that God has given me, it has been helping in my process to becoming a better man. The bible says that "we must bear the 'burden' of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others." I love the word considerate because it is so simple and has so much meaning. I took a year and a half from that concept. I became selfish, cynical, and irritable. WHAT AN IDIOT.

By losing the grip on this concept it has cost me more emotional pain beyond anything that I can explain. It caused me pain because I had a good long talk with God about over a year ago, and he provided. I was so excited that he actually provided, that I forgot to hold up my end of the relationship with him. And with that came consequences. You have to go above and beyond in all that you do. In order to be a man/husband/father, I can't go back to be the nomad I became. Life isn't about making yourself so busy that you feel like it might speed up the process. Don't make yourself occupied because it helps hide a problem, because that problem won't go away or get resolved. You will bring that problem with you where ever you go, causing you to make the same mistakes or run away. Because I can tell you from experience that even though it's an easy way to go about it. But it's not the right way to go about it. You are going to miss out on the relationships God has put in your life, and sometimes you will never get those back, but I believe all relationships are worth saving. Erwin McManus says, "Life is about growth. Growth demands change. Change requires humility."