The Empty Mayonnaise Jar

i read this from a post a friend of mine that shared the link of this short story. i thought it was awesome enough to share,  and we can all take something from it.  

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was
Full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full..

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put
The sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Square into a Circle

i'm in a familiar place. the living room of my home in tahoe. i can hear my mother's voice, but can't make out what it is she's saying. the air feels warm and i'm laying on a blanket. my hand clings to a stuffed bunny rabbit and i roll over. i see my baby brother wearing one of those footed pajamas for he is an infant. i feel safe. there's a smell of food cooking in the kitchen, but i can't put my finger on what it is. all i feel is this overwhelming feeling of comfort.

BANG! my eyes open but all i see is darkness and i am freezing. i hear a voice ask if i'm hungry. i quickly remember when i am. my shirt was covering my eyes from the bright lights above. i reply, "YES", and i hear a plate slide onto a tiny ledge. i take the shirt off my face and reveal my reality. i was in cell block A of the santa monica police station. i put my shirt back on to bring back my body heat i had lost from the quick nap i had. with no clocks or windows, it is uncertain as to how long i feel asleep. odds are it wasn't as long as i had hoped. i grab my plate of two pancakes, apple, slice of wheat bread, and carton of milk and start to add substance to my empty stomach. once finished i place the empty plate back on the ledge and lay my head back down apon my laceless shoes. to prevent people from harming themselves in a cell, they take out the laces of your shoes. because i had no pillow, i stacked my shoes to add some lift for my head. my dream of being in my living room with my family seemed so suddenly distant. this memory stems from a home video i have seen before. Questions start to go through my head a mile a minute. "how could you be such an idiot?" "where did i go wrong?" "what were you thinking?" I try to trace back to a time where i might have started to show signs of drifting. what goes through my head next are all the names of people i know that have been in jail before me.



it's a constant whirlwind of anxiety and panic that goes through your mind/body/soul. anxiety and panic are affects that alcohol can have on a man. i sit upward to try and calm myself down. i stare down at the seat-less toilet that sits in front of me. i have been through anxiety and panic attacks before, so i try to apply what i learned from the last tragic event to this one. then it hits me. i get down on my knees and pray. and ask God to explain to me where my judgment went wrong. the obvious is pointed out. don't drink and drive. ok. what else. what brought me to make such a dumb decision?

my mind goes back to the night before. back in april i had picked up a second job through my boss at the radio station. his brother in law owns this business called "the beach barcycle." it is a 16 person pub crawl up and down the beach cities. the people peddle, i steer it, and have the brake. i had gotten off my last shift of the night. my clients had been some folks my age and they wanted to give me a tip for my services. they didn't have any cash, so they offered to take me out after my shift and buy me drinks to compensate for not tipping me. they were fun guys, cute girls, and i accepted their offer. we went from bar to bar enjoying eachother's company and drinks were coming and going. at one bar there was a Beatles cover band and eventually we ended up at this irish pub.

remembering that i had parked in a meter spot before my shift, i knew that my time had started to run out. last call was given, so i said goodbye to everyone, and went to my car. i was a little past the time, but no ticket. knowing that i had to work in the morning, i figured i would sleep in my car and drive there in the morning. but i didn't want a ticket. there is a neighborhood directly behind the street i was parked on. so i figured i would go park in front of a house. after driving a few blocks, i felt like i was somewhat safe to drive home and sleep in my own bed. so i take a dimly lit street a little too sharp and knocked out a corner of a fence. i get out of the car. check the damage. no bueno. to make room for other cars that might come down the street, i move my car to the a safe parking space on the next street.

as i walk back to the scene of the crime, i see red and blue lights flash around in the sky. i show up. the cops ask me who i am. i tell them i am the guy who hit the fence. they ask if i had been drinking. knowing that telling the truth could help me in court, i reply, "yes". after a series of tests, and blowing into the breathalyzer, they put me in hand cuffs and into the back of the cop car i went. i inform them of where my car is and explained why i moved it. they said it's not often someone returns to the scene of the crime and actually tells the truth. i told them that i am a man with nothing to lose and nothing to hide. no one was looking for me that night. no one is waiting for me to come home. i don't have a pet that is of concern. no close family in the city. this was my reality check. so again, what brought me to make such a dumb decision? it was a accumulation of these realities. i had let myself slip into this gnarly lifestyle of no consequence. at the end of the day, there is no human to hold me accountable for my actions. only God can hold me accountable. are all my actions out of line or irresponsible? no. what happens is, when you live by yourself and you are single, you gravitate towards others in your same position. because they can relate. you meet new people on a constant basis. some are good influences, others aren't.  

it's been 5 months since my incident, and has this been a tough pill to swallow? absolutely. toughest lesson i've ever had to learn. this was never a matter of drinking. it was a matter of  God putting me back in check. i thought that by the time i would be 29 i would have already been married, steady career, and not be living in the backyard of someone's home making minimum wage. but this is my reality. the greatest realization i have come to through all this, is, ever since i moved to california 10 years ago, i have tried to fit a square into a circle. there's no time table to life. and i haven't done anything to set me back. everything i have done has been apart of God's plan. so for those of you who have maybe judged me for my actions, or my decisions, you should probably check your self before you wreck yourself. because i'm not the first person to make this mistake, and i'm definitely not the last. i may not have it all together. but one thing is for sure, i will never look back on my life and think i should have done things differently.  the way it feels to understand and incorporate this sort of acceptance, is priceless. 

"It's your choice. You can either count your blessings or recount your disappointments." - Jim Gallery

Fast Food Fridays - Bacon & Bleu Burger

yes, i eat fast food. yes, i enjoy some of it. 60% is because of how cheap it is and 40% is because i enjoy it. judge me. it has been a nemesis of mine for as long as i could remember. and as much as i would like to dine at some of the more awesome spots, it's just not in the cards or my wallet. BUT the wallet issue a personal issue, one that i blame myself for the career path i chose, and therefore have no room to complain about, that would just make me a hypocrite among other things. without further ado, i claim friday to be fast food fridays. there is absolutely no gain you take from this other than to help kill time during your day. and possibly make you dumber from reading this or causing you actually go out and get fast food. but if you live in cities other than los angeles, your pick of the litter is a thousand times better. for we are a city on the run and shitty public transportation. so fast food is what a lot of us do. or rather what folks in my line of work do. our hours are all over the place and it's hard to find time to actually cook something when you're rolling home around 2am.

for this first segment of fast food friday, i've gone with a burger that isn't on a menu at the moment, but it was freaking awesome when it was. i'm talking about the bacon and bleu burger at Wendy's. I'm a big Wendy's fan personally. because they have great products and for some reason i don't feel as guilty after i demolish one of their burgers.

it's your typical burger with caramelized onions, applewood smoked bacon, creamy steakhouse spread, and blue cheese. being that i am HUGE blue cheese fan on a burger, this was right up my alley. i also enjoy a steakhouse spread. it's a nice change up from mayo, mustard, or even ketchup ( but there will never be a good substitute for ketchup, let's be honest ) because i didn't have to go to a sit down restaurant and then proceed to pay $10 for it. it was fast, delicious, and who doesn't like applewood bacon? why they took this away, i will never know, but i await for it's arrival back to the mix. to make matters worse, OR for your benefit, here are the nutrition facts:

is this really surprising? not really. we've all seen 'super size me' and although it was a movie full of great facts, informational to watch, and entertaining, that didn't really stop too many americans from saving some bucks and getting fast food from time to time. i'm guilty as charged. i'll go hammertime if i see a new idea brought to the fast food table. so go do yourselves a favor this weekend and be a little dirty. find yourself a bacon blue cheeseburger somewhere, sit down and eat it prison style. with elbows out, back hunched over, to keep others away from the nom session you are about to partake in. no judgement coming from this guy. if you invite, i'll be there so you don't feel as weird. 

Get Him to the Nokia

6:03pm

i push the redial option on my iphone for the third time trying to get a hold of a guy named mike. as my call goes straight to voice mail once more, the smell of cinnabon and auntie anne's pretzels invade my nostrils. but this was no time to snack on those delicious treats. i was in the middle of rounding up the artist lloyd and his entourage from the culver city westfiield shopping mall. amp radio had booked lloyd to preform our mtv video music awards concert at club nokia that evening. i was assigned to make sure that he got to the venue on time for his performance at 8pm. how did i end up in a mall with less than 2 hours before curtain call? i was asking myself the same question.

4:00pm

i arrive at the station and get my paperwork / instructions for my task, meanwhile the rest of my co-workers were getting the venue ready for our concert that was to be held that evening. i am given the phone number to mike ( not his real name ), lloyd's manager, to call him and get further instruction. i am told to drive to the marriott at lax and meet up behind the hotel at the tour bus. i grab the car keys, directions to the hotel, and off i went. once i arrived, it wasn't hard to find the giant tour bus parked in the back. the first part of my task was to pick them up, and take them to their sound check at club nokia.

4:35pm

we are now a little behind schedule. my boss asks where i am. sound check is at 5pm. i had everyone in the vehicle ready to go but our main performer. in typical fashion, he was just taking his time. after explaining to his manager that in los angeles we are traffic's bitch, and we need to roll, he was able to get lloyd into the car and we were off.

5:10pm

we arrive. to save time, pull up to the loading zone outside of L.A. Live right in front of this restaurant called 'the farm'.  my co-worker was out front ready to escort them upstairs to the venue for sound check. to avoid a traffic ticket, i drive in circles around L.A. Live. as i make way around the block, i get stuck behind some cars stuck at a red light by the movie theater. i look over to my right, and see this homeless man asking to wash my window. i signal him to leave, but he proceeds to do it anyway. the light turns green, and the cars go, an he is still washing my window. a few cars honk, and the bum backs away from the car and goes to the sidewalk. my boss calls me. he explains to me that they are coming back downstairs and that i need to take them back to their hotel so they can change clothes, get some things in order, and need to be back to the venue by 7:45pm so they can be on-stage for their 8pm start time. i tell him i understand, i pull back up to where i dropped them off, and we go back en route to the hotel.

5:30pm

we weren't in the car for more than 2 minutes before the drummer of the band says that he needs to go the store "lids" to buy a new hat for tonight's performance. that is followed by lloyd saying that he needs a new shirt so he can look 'fresh to death'. i look to the digital clock on the dashboard, and think of the closest mall to their hotel. the culver city westfield comes to mind. for i had sat on the 405 freeway countless times looking at their billboards of promoting products that i don't need but still buy. i let them know where we're headed and we're off. i then hear the sound of a wrapper being crumpled up followed by the question of whether or not i would like a brownie. without thinking i accept the offer and was passed a square. but then it hits me. this is not just your average brownie. for it had that certain stank to it. i respectfully hand it off to the manager in the front seat and inform him that i am on the clock and cannot partake in the baked good. no harm, no foul. with a song 'chin check' by NWA on blast we head over to the mall.

5:50pm

i pull into a parking space, and with a blink of an eye everyone is out of the car. mike stands back with me and we proceed to follow them inside the mall. due to the time of day, there was a lot of foot traffic. with every passing female, the entourage made sure to say hello and proceed with a little more information than some would like. some girls took a liking to it, and others were offended. we make our way to lids. my boss calls, the store was noisy so i walked out to continue my conversation. i inform him that we are at the mall and will be back in time. i hang up the phone, turn around, and everyone is gone. i call mike, no answer. straight to voice mail. the signal in this area is known for being awful. so i stand there in a busy mall feeling like a baby sitter that lost the kid she was assigned to watch. this is where a little anxiety kicks in.

6:15pm

mike calls back. he has the drummer and keyboard player, but not lloyd. we meet up by a kiosk selling cell phone covers. mike finally gets ahold of lloyd and informs me he's on his way. i look over and the drummer had started up a conversation with the cute girl working the kiosk. from the body language toward eachother, i could tell that he had one goal in mind. lloyd shows up, and we take off.

6:50pm

we arrive back to the tour bus and they all get out. everyone gets on the bus, and the manager heads up to the hotel to grab something from his room. by this point in time, my cell phone battery had gotten down to 10%. all the usage from the day had finally taken it's toll. i know that i'll need more than 10% to last the duration of my shift to keep in contact with my boss and co-workers. i keep a close eye on the digital clock on the dashboard and have the a/c running in the car as i wait.

7:10pm

i still hadn't heard a peep from the manager or seen anyone leave the bus. getting a little nervous, i decide to call mike and tell him that we need to leave to make it on time. next thing i know, my battery is at 5%. figuring that there is probably an iPhone charger on the bus, i go and knock on the door. i am welcomed by one of the biggest dudes i have ever seen. looking down at me, without blinking, he immediately shuts the door on me. within seconds the drummer opens the door and says they were 'fuckin' with me' and lets me inside. i said i needed to plug in my phone and that we needed to leave as soon as mike comes down. in the shuffle to find a charger, paraphernalia of all types were being moved around. a think layer of smoke also lingered in the air. 'FOUND ONE!' i hear this woman say, it was under a stack of playboy magazines and one massive bag of weed. the woman passes me the charger, and she looks awfully familiar, but can't put my finger on it. so i went ahead and asked her where she worked to maybe get a clue. she told me that she worked at one of the beer stands at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater.

FLASHBACK! a couple nights back i had attended a lil wayne concert at that venue and she had served me beer for the duration of that night. lloyd was the opening act for that particular concert.

all by damned, i say under my breath. my guess is that somehow she had crossed paths with someone from the entourage that evening and she did something right in order to be on that tour bus tonight. i informed her that she had served me drinks at the concert a few nights back. and once everyone heard i was at that concert it was like i had become a member of the family. a seat was offered, among other things that you would only see in a rap music video ( which i declined because i didn't want to lose my job ). they asked me about my opinion of what i thought of their set list and how it panned out. so, i gave them my two cents and that proceeded until mike showed up.

7:30pm

mike finally comes to the bus, and we head out to the car. and off to the venue we went. with a few beads of sweat dripping off my brow from being nervous, i wipe them away and stay focused. i know that i can get them to club nokia by curtain call. it wasn't the ideal time my boss wanted me back, but it was the best i could offer considering that trying to get this group of people together was like herding cats. with the song "natural born killaz" by Ice Cube just bumping through the speakers i use the carpool lane and a few back streets trying to get to L.A. Live. as i made my way around the northeast corner by the movie theater i could see the entrance to the underground parking structure of where i needed to go. looking ahead to find a route to get around, what do i see, but that same homeless man starting his walk toward a car, two cars ahead of me. knowing he's going to distract that driver, and cause a backup, i change lanes, pass the car with the window washing bum, and cut right back into my lane, and go down into the parking structure. i find the industrial elevator that goes to the backstage area of the club and pull up. a co-woker is there there to take them up.

7:55pm

i park the car, and head upstairs. and at 8:02pm lloyd goes on stage and preforms his set to a crowd of excited radio listeners that had won tickets. i go to the green room after the performance to check in because i still needed to get them back to their hotel. i am greeted with some catered food and offered a seat by the big man that had previously shut the tour bus door on me earlier. he told me that my driving skills were not bad for a 'craker'. we fist bumped and went to town on the best chicken wings i've ever had. next thing i know, we're bro'ing out over how awesome the '8 mile' soundtrack is. after lloyd did some interviews for our station, i got them back together and headed back to the car. once we got in, the drummer informed me that we needed to make a stop and pick someone up. i rolled up to this gas station off the 405 freeway and i see this girl walk up to the car to get in. it was the cell phone cover kiosk girl from the mall! apparently the drummer got her number earlier and invited her to the after party. she gets in the car and i proceed to the hotel. everyone gets out, i'm thanked by everyone and get a big hug from the big dude. i was invited up to the after party, but i declined because i had my own after party to attend to with my work family. as much fun as i'm sure that would have been, there's nothing like celebrating with your co-workers after an event that is successful. and i'll tell ya what. that beer had never tasted so good after that day.

No Introduction: Grilled Cheese and Butternut Squash Soup

alright, so it's that time of day where you've been thinking about what you're going to do for dinner tonight. or maybe even what you're going to nom on this weekend. from what i can see out my window, it's cloudy fall awesome weather. which makes people like myself not in the mood to create some crazy concoction of a meal. so i'm going to make a suggestion. i don't care if you do it tonight, this weekend, next month, or never. either way you're reading this and waiting for me to get to the point. here's something easy to make, and won't take much time or clean up:

Grilled Cheese and Butternut Squash Soup. why butternut squash soup instead of tomato? because butternut squash is in season and way better than tomato. plus it's more fun to say butternut than tomato. not a fan? i don't really care. below i have made a list of different cheeses, breads, and additional things to add to make whatever grilled cheese sounds good for the moment. because let's be honest, depending on your mood when you read this, the combination will be different. for all i know you're drunk right now from happy hour and could go for adding bacon to your grilled cheese over using a slice of turkey. or the combination of both sounds bomb dot com. either way. go nuts! it's a fall evening tonight, and no one wants to be productive or really cook something too hard. especially if you're getting around to reading this late tonight and you're starving after coming home from drinking colorful shots and your favorite taco stand packed up early. . . they can be so selfish sometimes.

Either way, below are my suggestions to help guide those of you who need someone to still hold their hand. also, adding pecans or your favorite nut ( that's what she said ) to the butternut squash soup is a nice touch. hopefully i have been somewhat of a service. if not, i'm sorry you won't get the last 5 minutes of your life back that you used to read this. but at least you were productive. you could have been out having a staring contest with a billy goat or listening to a debate about who's cooler: the dominos pizza noid or spuds mckenzie. for which there is no debate because they are of equal righteousness.


Cheese:

-Cheddar
-Colby-Jack
-Blue Cheese
-Gouda
-Fetta
-Brie
-Monterey Jack
-Mozzarella
-American
-White American
-Provolone
-Cream Cheese ( you don't know until you try )
-Colby
-Havarti
-Pepperjack

Bread:

-Sourdough
-White
-Wheat
-Rustic Italian
-Hoagie roll
-Whatever you got in the kitchen. You could have peta bread for all I know.

EXTRA:

-bacon
-tomato
-caramelized onions. ( sounds fancy, but easy to make if you can focus )
-sliced meats ( ham, turkey )
-apple slices ( sounds bizarre, but with the right combination it works. haters )
-bacon ( it's so good, you mention it twice )
-spinach 

DRANKS:

- you know what you like. i can't judge or suggest here. pumpkin ale perhaps? 2 buck chuck? #dowhatyouwant

I'm With You

the smell of burnt coffee lingers in the air as i continue to clean up cookie crumbles and leftover cheese and crackers from the table. the only thing left to wipe up the table with is a single sheet of paper towel that hadn't been used. the sugar packet that helped hold up a leg of the table slips out leaving the table to wobble back and forth as i clean. i'm done. the door to the church recreation room opens with a creaking sound and a woman in her late 20's comes through the door. she asks for a cell phone to make a call for a taxi. i hand her my phone, and offer her what is left of the snacks on the table. happily, but a little hesitant, she accepts, grabs a plastic cup and fills it up for the road. she thanks me and walks outside. i say goodbye to everyone still interacting in the room, put on my headphones and walk out the door. it's july and there is a random rain storm that had accumulated during the duration of my time inside. thinking ahead, i wore a sweatshirt before i left home. as i walk away from the church, i notice the woman taking shelter under the overhang of  the building. i asked her if she needed any help getting to where she was trying to go. there was a pause as she lit her cigarette, but then she shook her head. noticing that she probably had a rough evening, i asked her she needed someone to talk to. she replied with, "that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me all week." i told her i had nothing but time, and sat down next to her.

considering it was july, the rain that was falling was colder than usual that night. "everything is a mess" she says. what followed was a story of addiction, failed relationship, and emptiness. she had just been kicked out of her boyfriend's apartment because she ran out of cocaine and refused to get more. she then proceeds to show me a zip-lock bag from her purse with some coke left in it. i asked her why she lied to her boyfriend. she said it was because she wanted to make a change in her life. she wanted to be kicked out of his apartment. if she she had showed her boyfriend that she had more coke left, then she wouldn't be sitting on the stoop of a church on a thrursday night with me waiting for a cab. this was her turning point. the cab she called was going to take her to her parents house, to be in a safe place. although, the relationship between her and her parents was to be determined. the cab pulled up, she gave me a huge hug, and she got in the car. but right before the cab took off, i see the cab window go down and she tells me "thank you. thank you for your listening ear, and giving your time to a stranger who needed a friend."

the cab drives off, my headphones go on. i choose the 'shuffle' option on my ipod and the song 'i'm with you' by avril lavigne comes on ( that's right, i have that on my ipod ). Here are some lyrics from that song:

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone.

as i'm walking home listening to this song, i couldn't help but feel a connection to it. the odds of this tune coming up on my ipod from the shuffle option was no coincidence.  on that walk home it really help put some things into perspective for me. about 7 weeks earlier i had moved to los angeles from the valley to be closer to work. so on my walk back home i passed everything from the homeless, to people on a date holding hands, and empty beer cans that line the gutter. i pass restaurant windows with people with smiling faces and families gathering for a late dinner. with only assumptions as to what i saw from glancing as i walk by, it was like looking through windows of the past 28 years of my life. all things i could relate too. being on a date, eating with family, to relating to the homeless ( story for another time ). i don't have many nights of reflection that i can recall in my life, but this night was one of them. for i wasn't walking home from just giving a stranger my time. it wasn't a bible study. it wasn't a thursday night church service. it was an AA Meeting. meeting number 17 out of 30 that i was ordered by the court back in may. for i was arrested for drinking and driving. i haven't been able to share my experiences until now because the court process is now finished. it has been a life changing experience these past couple months. the night i was arrested, i will always consider it the night my life was saved, and more importantly, others. it's a long story of how it happened, but i'll save that for another time. the main issue is that it happened, i learned from my mistake, and i am accepting my punishment.

for the i know the plans i have for you, says the lord. plans for good, and not for evil. to give you a future and a hope.

Girl With The Red Balloon

It's been a little over a year since I've written anything, and for those who kept up every week, I apologize. I got a little writers block and decided to put this aside. As of lately I have been putting together thoughts and ideas over the past months and I am getting ready to put them out. In the meantime, I am going to leave you with a little something that was 4 years in the making, and it didn't make much sense to write it until now. I hope you take something from it, and stay tuned for new blogs.


 In 2008, 2 friends and Myself moved into a new apartment located in Tarzana, California. The move was necessary due to the fact that one was engaged to be married later in the year, and the other was on the verge of proposing to his girlfriend. I Myself had been in a serious relationship and was planning on staying in this particular apartment for only one year, for I had plans to move to Nor Cal in the following spring to live closer to my girlfriend. During the first late afternoon living there, I was moving a couch onto the porch ( because every bachelor pad needs a couch on the porch ), and I remember hearing a car door shut below me. Our porch overlooked the top level of the parking garage. I see a woman holding a red balloon helping her child put on his backpack, lock the car, and start walking down the sidewalk that ran parallel with our building. The woman was a young mom of late 20's and from what I could tell the kid was probably in the 1st grade. She held his hand as they walked past my 2nd story porch, and she looked up at my friend and I, for we were making a ton of noise. We shot each other a smile and a wave as she walked by.

 It is now Spring 2012, and I am cleaning out the closet on that very same porch, of junk that needs to be thrown away before I move out in the coming weeks. I hear a car door shut below me and I see the same woman getting out of her car, her child isn't so much a kid anymore, and their 2 year old dachshund dog hopped out of the car behind him. As they approached the path by my apartment, the boy ran by with the dog by his side. The woman looks up to me and waves hello. I give a smile and wave back. It been 4 years since our first interaction had occurred. Over time I witnessed this young mom and her child become a small family before my very eyes. When I moved there, I was under the impression that it was just going a place to rest my head before I started my life up in Nor Cal. Little did I know that it was going to be the apartment where I was going to finally grow up. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I wasn't all that much different from that woman and her child. Our only interaction would be from my porch as she went back and forth from her car. But I witnessed little instances that were major in her life, and they always seemed to parallel my own.

I'm sure she didn't want to live in that little apartment raising her child alone just as much as I didn't want to live there any longer than a year so I could go and start my new life up north. I heard everything from teaching her child discipline, phone calls to a dead beat ex-boyfriend, to teaching her son how to walk the dog. These occurrences were major life happenings going on her life, and I witnessed them from my porch. Strangely enough, she would always walk by as I would be going through shit of my own. Everything from the demise of a 3 year relationship, my phone calls about changing careers, and my very last drink of cheap vodka ( almost 2 years sober from that bottle ).

 I was in that apartment 3 years longer than I expected. It was in no way a bad thing. Although, there were times where I was unsure how to proceed. And I'm sure that woman thought the same thing. I think that is why she bought the puppy. I noticed that with the addition to that puppy, it created a sense of growth in the relationship with her son, and it was also a way to help teach her son responsibility. The day they brought that puppy home, was around the same time I left behind my life as an actor. I chose to bring stability back into my life and get a job at the radio station. I never got the names of this woman or her son and I'll never truly know her full story, but I believe God put them in my life to let me know that we are all in this together. I wasn't going to really understand this concept until I had moved out of that apartment and into my new living situation. It was also because of learning that lesson that I was able to finally let go of my past and move on with my life. I finally feel like my past will never come back to haunt me, for I have come to peace with what God has in place for me ahead. All I can do now is live by the faith of God because he has everything under control. And I encourage you all to do the same, life is so much easier once you grab onto that concept.



 "Did she let him go or did the four winds blow him away. Does she even know She's the girl with the red balloon." - The Civil Wars

Forward it Paid

"I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are - even if they're bad - to change. 'Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses." - Trevor (Haley Joel Osment)

That quote was taken from the film "Pay it Forward," one of my top 10 favorite movies. I'm not being byist because I'm a big Kevin Spacey fan, but this movie is solid across the board, and I could write a fifty page paper on this movie because it is full of greatness. But I want to focus on the quote above for the moment. Change is not easy for anyone. If it was, then the word wouldn't exist at all. People seem to get set in their ways, and even though I'm only 27, I noticed that I have fallen into a pattern; whether it be the way I choose how to make decisions, the way I treat others, or even how I spend my time after work. I know that we all have that moment where we tell ourselves, "well, this is who I am, this is what I like, and this is how I do things. So why change?" That is a way of just giving up on yourself and not being able to grow. When you don't grow or contribute to those around you, 'everybody kind of loses.'



The way I see it is, everyone that is alive at this point in time, are meant to be here for a reason. I know that there are people my age who say that they wish they were around for the '70s. But maybe the reason God didn't create them until now is because that time period might not have been the best or healthiest for that person and their personality, or their addictions for that matter. I know that I have always thought it would be cool to live through the '50s. Life was much simpler then, but the reality is, I'm here now, and so are all of you reading this. We are all here because we compliment eachother in different ways and can help eachother. That's why the idea of paying it forward is such a great idea.

About a month or so ago, I was struck with the realization that maybe the reason I am were I am in life is because my friends and family might need my undivided attention and help right now. I wouldn't be able to give them advice, or be able to help them if I was the selfish, prideful boy that I was for so long. I have gotten the feeling that the lesson that I am learning right now is how to really be there for someone. To listen, and to understand that what's important is them, and not myself. Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." One of the things I want in life is a family of my own. So how could I truly be there for my wife and family if I don't know to put them first? Learning to become humble and have integrity are the key points here. I have always been there for my family, friends, and I have always been there for my girlfriends, but I don't feel like I understood how to REALLY BE THERE for them at the same time. I didn't grasp the whole concept because my career required all of my attention. When we look to the needs of others it honors Christ.

I won't name any names, but over the past couple months, I have been able to help certain people with some of the struggles they have been faced with. Whether it be dealing with a cheating boyfriend/girlfriend, friends with anxiety, loneliness, financial issues, death of a close friend from suicide, or how to start over again. I have dealt with those issues and have come out on the other side. I am happy that people know that I can be there to help them through it. Because for me, for the most part, I had to conqueror some of those things on my own because none of my friends have ever gone through some of those issues. They were there as a listening ear, but I know the exact emotion that really makes you break down, and that's how I am able to help.

In the song "Eleanor Rigby" by the Beatles, it says, "Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave. No one was saved." Wiping the dirt from your hands is an illustration that you are going to get rid of something and forget about it. Obviously if the minister at her funeral is that anxious to be rid of her memory then who else is there to care and remember her. This is something is avoidable, and something That I feel like we all lack. For me personally, I'm learning to not "wipe" my hands. But to reach out my hand to be there, and listen. "He who has ears to hear, let him hear." - Luke 8:8. We aren't meant to go through life alone. And you don't have to be in a relationship to be considered "not alone." Some people who are in relationships/married feel alone.



If God never put me through all the really terrible experiences, I wouldn't be able to help out the others who are going through the same feelings. That is why we are all here on earth at the same time. It's not a coincidence that you meet certain people. Some people teach us patience, others teach us love. Some people teach us how to be humble, and others are there to hold our hand. God made you different so you can complenment eachother, complete eachother and strengthen eachother.

"People with a heart for God have a heart for people."

A Scotch Taped Heart

"I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum, in a restaurant, it was a Horn and Hardart cafeteria. And this beautiful girl walked in and I turned to Arthur and I said Arthur, you see that girl? I'm going to marry her. And two weeks later we were married. And it's over fifty years later and we are still married."

That story was taken from (in my opinion) the best romantic comedy of my time, "When Harry met Sally." Throughout the film they have elderly couples tell of how they met and conclude with how long they had been together. This is one of my favorite of the stories. It's a story that tugs on the ol' heart strings. It's the the concept of "love at first sight" that everyone experiences at sometime in their lives. Whether it be when you are little and you have your first crush, or later on when you spot the woman/man of your dreams. There isn't a single human being that can't tell you the story of their first crush, and you never forget the feeling that comes with it. I remember when I had my first crush, I pulled the move of writing a letter saying I liked this girl, had the check boxes "Yes" and "No" and my locker number at the bottom and stuffed it in her locker. I did get a response, it was, "I don't know who you are, so I can't answer." What a dumbass! I forgot to put my name on the letter! She did leave her phone # to call though. This was all in the 5th grade. It took me weeks to get up the nerve to call. Once I finally did, I totally got rejected. Ha Ha Ha. But 6 years later, we started dating, and that went on for 2 years. What had started off as a crush turned into my first love.

We all long for that feeling of being loved. Not the love that you receive from your parents or family members. But from someone who you know will be there no matter what. They know you better than you know better than you know yourself and vice versa. There is that level of respect for eachother that is unexplainable. I have been fortunate enough to experience these feelings at some point or another. That is the only way that I know how to explain what being in love means. In my case, I have had more than a few long term relationships, and have been in love more than once. I have come away with more wisdom after each one. I have been asked the questions, "How come you can't keep a relationship?" "What happened? Couldn't the two of you figure it out?" "What did you do?!" (I've heard that one on more than one occasion, but it was only a legit question once.) I have found that these questions can only be answered once you get your mind right after a break up. The answer that sums it up is a quote that from the film "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."



It was the part of the movie when Benjamin had spent every late night with that woman in the kitchen, and one day she was just gone. Benjamin was asked what happened, and he replies, "It ran it's course." I believe that there is a timeline for this sort of thing. Sometimes people who are meant for eachother meet too early or too late. But that's just part of the journey and makes life interesting. Sometimes it takes time and you find yourselves on the same page later on, you just met eachother a little early that's all. I like to view my heart as one that is held together with scotch tape, and I have this tape dispenser that never runs out. After every time it breaks, it takes time to tape it back together because some of the same pieces have been shattered more than once. Once it is fixed, it is more fragile than the time before. But each piece of tape represents something that was learned from the relationship. It signifies growth and integrity that will be there for the next relationship.



There is no such thing as a failed relationship. No matter how bad it was, or what was said. I have had a girlfriend of two years cheat on me, I've been left behind by another, was snubbed twice in the next venture, and had a relationship of 3 years disappear in front of my very eyes. It was not a waste of time, no matter how you look at it. It took me about a year to figure out that concept with someone I had fallen in love with. The break-up was so terrible that I viewed it as failure. I viewed it as a failure because so much time and work had been put into it, and to see it fall apart left me dis-trot, and a lot of times people don't ever recover from it, and they bring it into their next relationship. When they do that, it's not fair for the new relationship, it doesn't give it it's own room to grow. That's why time in-between to get your mind right is so healthy, this is a concept that I had to learn the hard way. . . TWICE! Ha Ha Ha! I know that sometimes we get upset because we thought that we would be married by a certain time, or it's impossible to find anyone. The reality is, you aren't in control. Jim Gallery said, "It's your choice, you can either count your blessings or recount your disappointments."

The best things in life come when you don't expect them. I had that happen to me once before, she was truly a blessing from above. The timing was just off that's all. One thing I do know is, you can't manipulate love, or who to love. Where's the fun in that? You can't just go to whom you feel "comfortable" or it feels "safe." I have found that when I feel the most terrified, that is when I find out where I belong. Everyone wants to be find love. Everyone wants to be loved. But when you truly feel loved, that's when you will feel complete. So for those of you who have found true love, cheers to you my friends, and you know that I couldn't be more happy and supportive for you. For those who haven't, you will, I promise.

"No Love Lost. . . No Love Found." - Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr.

The Confident Expectation

“Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” – Tim Robbins (Andy)

I think one of my top ten favorite movies of all time is "The Shawshank Redemption." It's about a guy named Andy (Tim Robbins), who is sent to Shawshank Prison for the murder of his wife and secret lover. He is very isolated and lonely at first, but realizes there is something deep inside your body, that people can't touch and get to....'HOPE'. Andy becomes friends with prison 'fixer' Red (Morgan Freeman), and Andy epitomizes why it is crucial to have dreams. His spirit and determination, leads us on a story filled with courage and desire. Hope is the heart of this movie. By definition, Hope means "to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment." In the bible God tells us it means "confident expectation." Hope is a firm assurance regarding things that are unclear and unknown.

Andy started out hopeless when he came into the prison, but over time he slowly found that to have patience, be still, and have hope he would be able to accomplish his escape and make it out on the other side. One of the most memorable scenes in the movie, is when we see Andy on the other side with his hands reaching for the sky as the rain comes pouring down on him. That is a feeling that we have all experienced at one point in time. It's that feeling of relief, the feeling of clarity that brings peace to your mind. That all the pain you have been through just melts away. You know what that feeling is? It's the holy spirit inside of you letting you know that God is good. This is the feeling we long for as humans. The problem is, is sometimes we forget that these are only checkpoints in life. That after we have received this blessing from God, life isn't over, and there are still problems yet to come. The good thing is, when we experience a time when God has shown us mercy, it fills us up with hope, and the idea is, is to put all your trust in God that he is in control.

“Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.” – Morgan Freeman (Red)

I have always loved this quote. It means that sometimes even though we might understand the concept of Hope, and it brings us peace of mind for the time being, we don't always receive it in the time that is best for us. Therefore, making some people a little un-easy and they start to question their faith. When we ask for Hope, it goes hand in hand with faith. This co-insides with being patient. This is something I have struggled with. Not so much the Hope and Faith aspect, but being patient. And if I can't be patient, how could I expect to understand the meaning of Hope? Over the past couple months, this is something that I have put all my energy into fixing. Because if you can't learn patience, everything falls apart. To me, it is the most important characteristic we can have. Patience also helps with confidence. How can I become a man/husband/father without the focus that patience provides to help us stay grounded? Not being patient is a terrible habit to pick up, sadly I have seen the it's long term effects. That led to a LONG prayer of asking God for forgiveness of everything I could come up with. Lucky for me, God has shown me mercy and it is a habit I can break.

To learn patience, I had to first learn to be humble. I have learned how to become humble by sitting down and re-evaluating my life. Some of the things I thought I wanted(career) weren't really what I wanted, and the things I wanted had to be realized(wife/kids). This is how I came to the conclusion that I had to leave my 4 year routine of acting and change my whole career around. I had to get a job that stared me off at the bottom and work my way up. Some people have too much pride and don't start over again. They don't see the big picture. I knew that by starting off at the bottom means that I could only work my way up! There is no downside. This can be hard for some people to do, because they have spent so much time and energy working hard for something that they knew wasn't going anywhere, or even the best for them. To really humble yourself, you must surrender yourself to God and ask him to bestow in you the patience that is required. God only gives us enough strength to handle what is required today. Once you realize that fact, you can have peace of mind that tomorrow you will be filled back up with enough patience/strength to deal with tomorrow. Even though sometimes it might feel like we arn't filled back up, God is working behind the scenes.

It is through this that I am filled with Hope that God has the life I have always wanted. The certainty of this blessed future is guaranteed through the indwelling of the Spirit (Romans 8:23-25), Christ in us (Colossians 1:27), and the resurrection of Christ (Acts 2:26). Hope is produced by endurance through suffering (Romans 5:2-5). I pray for very specific requests every morning, noon, and night and I have to ask to be filled with that Hope. And I have give all my faith to Him that through Him, his will be done. Just like in the song "Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles, it says, "Little darling It's been a long, cold, lonely winter. Little darling, It feels like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun, and I say It's alright."

To Infinity and BEYOND!

"To infinity and beyond!"-Buzz Lightyear. For me that has been a movie quote that has stood the test of time. It was Thanksgiving 1995, I was in the 6th grade when that movie came out and set the bar for new film making and storytelling. The concept for the film was simple, and it related to every single person in the theater. It brought out the kid inside us. Even as a 6th grader, it took me back to the time when I used to make believe with Ninja Turtles and my race track. The reason why this movie is such a huge part of our culture is because of the lesson it teaches. The characters are lovable, the story is timeless, and the way it hits on emotional levels makes it popular.

Today, 16 years later after Toy Story was released, I still watch that movie(and it's sequels) and it reminds me of being a kid again. An unknown psychologist said, "children typically seem to feel happy, whereas grownups do not." In a nutshell he is saying we all start life happy, but somewhere over along the way to being an adult we lose that happiness. Where is it that we lose this innocence and simplicity that is childlike? To put it simply, children know how to enjoy the little things in life. To jump into puddles, climb a tree, or create something out of clay. Isaiah 64:8 says, "And yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand." How do we feel when we make something out of clay and after it has hardened, someone or something happens and it falls to the ground and breaks? If the item we made had significance, then we are saddened. That is how God feels when we stumble or try to run our lives the way we want it. He takes the clay figure that we have made on our own and breaks it so that He can start over again.

I know for me, the clay figure I shaped on my own started the day I stopped enjoying the little things in life. The little things are what makes us who we are. The little things are the detailed cravings in the clay. The little things are the things we fall in love with in a relationship. Even if they are for better or worse. The little things are what bring us back to neutral. If we let God do his job as the potter, we get to enjoy the little things in life. The things that make us feel like a kid again.

As humans, we ALL experience a time when we ignored what it was God was saying to us. Sometimes we do this out of rebellion. It's us against the world. And that idea is sometimes brought on by our peers or who we date. Because going against the grain does feel good sometimes. Because we feel a sense of freedom. A sense of doing it my way. In the song "My Way" by Frank Sinatra, his lyrics say, "Regrets? I've had a few,
But then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption. But I did it my way!" This song can be awesome when you have conquered all the elements. I admit that I have sang this song from the rooftops when when I have felt that all my hard work has paid off. The problem is, once I sang the song and got it off my chest, I forgot to realize that all that I have accomplished wasn't with the help of God. Or it was, and I didn't give him the credit. So EVERY TIME I claim I did it on my own, I was giving God the middle finger. And next thing I know, I'm laying face first in a pile of cow dung with the word jackass tattooed on my forehead.

We are called the children of God. So why don't we enjoy the little things in life that makes us feel like a kid again. Just like the feeling you get when Buzz Lightyear saves Woody from Sid and Buzz is actually flying. It's that feeling of knowing that all along, even though you knew he was a toy, you knew Buzz could fly. That is the feeling we should remind ourselves to have everyday. I had to remind myself of what that feeling is recently. I have gone back and looked at photos of when I used to be a camp counselor at bible camp, I look at the pictures that were given to me and painted by my 4 year old class, and I watched Toy Story. These things with the combination of devotions with God, and my new mentor, have reminded me that life is so much bigger than any bullshit I have EVER said that covered up the little things. I know for me, I was tried of finding myself face down covered in excrement. If we don't realize that doing it "our way" doesn't work, you can never grow.



My kids for the summer of 2005

Paid in Full

A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the
morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.

Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy
book. Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.

He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.

He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. He found a page that had a bookmarked. The verse Matthew 7:11 had been carefully underlined. It reads, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation,and the words...PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?. . .

It's a new year, I have a new job, so the blog will be completely different than this format you are used to. . . I hope those of you who do read will enjoy it, and for those who don't as much, I hope I can grab your attention once again.

Envisions of Silhouettes

Just about 2 months into my job and I feel like I finally have a good handle on what is expected of me. This is a good feeling on many levels. I can now start to express where I find more interest out of all the departments. I have expressed to one of my managers where it is I would like to go from here. I realize that I haven't been there as long as some of my co-workers, but that doesn't mean I can't work harder to pass them. I expressed that I want to do voice over for the commercials that air in between songs. I would like to help out more with the pop culture blogging and twitter accounts that they provide on their website as well. The last thing I asked was to be considered to be apart of the "first listen sessions" they have for new music. You would give your opinion on it, and also contribute to other new songs you have heard that you feel the station should play.

I finally feel apart of a team and that is something that has been missing in my life for a long time. It is part of the many things God has been teaching me these past months. It's all apart of the big picture that He has been trying to show me. I have been given a job that creates stability in my life. Stability is the source of what keeps sanity. Having said that, I have decided to put acting on the shelves until God gives me the green light again, if he does at all. I will still work on "How I Met Your Mother" when they call me, because that has been a big part of my life for 3 years. My reason for making this decision is simple. . . it's for my own health and well-being and for those I care about most. Let me explain:

When I gave up everything and became an actor full time, I invested ALL my time and ALL my energy to finding work and networking. With all my focus going in that direction it took all my patience and focus on what is important. So at the end of the day, my attitude was based on whether or not I was successful to get work for the following day. I didn't have any energy or patience left in me to give toward my friends or significant other. I was running on empty every night I went to bed. This is where negativity started to come into play. With negativity came irritability with my surroundings. Even the most beautiful of things looked dark to me. I was only my true self some of the time. When this was all going on, people around me where moving forward in their careers and relationships, while I was moving backwards.

As I have been working on myself on becoming a better man, and learning what it is to be someone who can provide/care for my future wife and children, it has become clear to stop that lifestyle all together. It is because of lifestyles like these people lose what is most important in their lives. And for me, I envisioned my wife walking out on me and taking my children with her. I envisioned this image because with that lifestyle comes excuses and empty promises you make over and over again. I have missed out on great fellowship and important days because I made the excuse of "well this might be my break, this might be my audition." Those are events I can't ever have back. If you apply this to later on in life, I would miss my son's 1st birthday or my anniversary with my wife. Once I envisioned this, I told myself that I will never become that man. It's a lesson that I am very grateful that I am being taught. Because if I were to watch the silhouette of my wife and children walk out on me it would be a pain I don't think I would be able to bear. And I was definitely on that path of destruction.

Luckily for me, God has shown me mercy. Even though it has been a hard road to fix habits and characteristics I have picked up, I have peace of mind that God has been building me back to the man he intended me to be. I want to be the best man I can be when it comes to all aspects in my life; at work, husband, father, loyal friend, boyfriend, son in law, brother in law, and brother. Never will I ever wonder "What if" because I know where my heart was while I perused that career. When my heart is in the right place for my career, I will be happy and know that is where I am suppose to be. My future and those who I love depend on it.

My mouth shall speak wisdom, and the meditation of my heart shall give understanding. PSALM 49:3

Character: The Heart of Man

Character - A description of a person's attributes, traits, or abilities. Character is a really strong word when you think about it. It defines who we are as a person and is what people judge us by. So don't you want your character to be one that is kind, thoughtful, strong, patient, and wise? Ofcoarse we do. I know many people who have all these attributes, but they don't necessarily let them show all the time, or at the right times for that matter. Why is it that sometimes we pick and choose to use some our better characteristics when we feel it's necessary? It's as if we have all our best characteristics in a tool belt. We only use them on certain people at certain times to manipulate a situation to go our way. Which ultimately fails because God is in control and you can't manipulate a situation that he already has planned out. It just sends you onto another path that will take you longer to get to the next check point. That means you didn't have faith that he will take care of you. It's human nature to show people what we want them to see. But that's not being honest.

This is something that I began to struggle with as I began my journey to figuring out what it took to be an actor. It's funny because you are wanting to have a career out of portraying a character. But if you don't have your own character grounded, then how are you suppose to make yourself believable on screen? It's a hard balance to figure out. One that not everyone is blessed with. Personally, I'm not even sure if I am blessed with that ability. If I am, then God will reveal it to me when the time is right. Because right now, He is working on my character through the troubles that I have created for myself over the past couple years. Rick Warren says, "When we have troubles, those troubles help us produce patience. And patience produces character." Patience is something that I lost along the way, and has lead me to fall. This is one of the main points that God has pointed out to me. If I want to be a man and be caring toward my fellow man and wife, patience must be learned. Patience is a huge part of one's character. Character development always involves a choice. If you don't make the choice to work on your character, then you won't grow. And that applies to every aspect of your life, job, relationship, friendship, and family.

Sometimes we are not aware of how our character affects those around us. When I had created a selfish lifestyle two years ago I let my character slip. My love for investing in my friendships and relationships hadn't been to my full potential. It was there enough for people to still know I was alive. But the guy who used to be a mentor to the youth and buy a meal from a friend who had a long day of waiting tables, had fallen. The positive part is, you can work on your character to help you grow. It's not something that can you can lose and never gain back. But, don't get me wrong, it came with a price for me to realize that I had to truly work on it. God saw what made me the happiest, my biggest distraction from him, and shook up my world. He knew what my heart desired, but knew the character of my heart needed some work in order to fully fulfill that desire. It's a slow process getting back to reminding yourself who you used to be. A great sister in Christ recently shared with me her story about how it feels to look back and see how she's grown. She taught me that although it takes a little time, we grow into our character, and people notice it.

But you can't work on anything without putting your faith in God to get you there. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." This is a great example because we have all tripped or fallen down a couple stairs. So we all know what it feels like to fall, and no one likes that feeling. Just like Indiana Jones in the last crusade, he had to take that step of faith off the cliff. If he didn't have faith he wouldn't have stepped apon the invisible bridge to get across to the other side. But faith is a whole other blog.

Audience of Two: Open Letter to the World pt. 3

It is yet an end to another week. To most people it's, "another day, another dollar." I hear this saying a lot and I myself have even said it. It became something I would tell myself at the end of the day. Looking back on it, it was just another way of saying, "I got through today, and tomorrow doesn't look much different." It's a way to get some people onto the weekend and closer to the the goal that they see in the future. But I think that sometimes as we get into the routine of saying it, we start to kid ourselves. For example, when I first started out as an actor and got it into my head that there was a lot of hustling around and spinning my wheels, and the best way to make me feel better was to tell myself that it was "another day, another dollar." It is because of this mentality that we sometimes miss out on life and the people we surround ourselves with. It's funny because we use this mechanism to help time go faster to when we think our lives will be where we want it. But we don't even know when technically that time is. I know for me, that time will be when I am married, have kids, a steady job, and friends to fellowship with. But how can we get to this point if all we do is cross off another day on the calendar and go to bed?

The obvious answer is to put your faith and trust in God that you will get there. But that means you got to talk with him AND listen. If the relationship part isn't there, how can you grow and enjoy life? You can, and people do, but, they feel emptiness. I have been there before. A couple years ago, I had created for myself a life that worked for "me." I had been dropped from a 3 year relationship, and the only way I was able to pick myself back up was to tell myself that I didn't need anyone but me. I did whatever I wanted; I was sleeping on couches of friends houses on the weekends and was just living a life of a nomad. I was also acting at the time, so all my focus went into finding work, and my hours of operation were so off the wall that I was barely home. This lifestyle worked for me because I had created a schedule so busy I didn't have time to worry or even care about the future. The mentality I had was, "it is, what it is, and things will just fall into place. I don't know when, but they will."

I had also created a confidence that I had never felt before. It was like I was an audience of one. Confidence is a great trait, and is attractive to people. But it's a trait that walks a fine line. I created this life because it kept me occupied and helped keep my mind off the fact that I didn't have a girlfriend to care for. It was because of this ignorance that I would soon find out that I missed out on times spent in the final months of living with one of my best friends. At the end of the day an emptiness lingered. It was the eerie feeling of loneliness that always reminded that relationships are important, both with God and my girlfriend.

That was my mentality for awhile. This is the mentality of a true schmuck. Anyone that grew up with me can tell you that the one thing I believe in is restoring relationships. This was something that has never left, it just disappeared. It is because of this gift that God has given me, it has been helping in my process to becoming a better man. The bible says that "we must bear the 'burden' of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others." I love the word considerate because it is so simple and has so much meaning. I took a year and a half from that concept. I became selfish, cynical, and irritable. WHAT AN IDIOT.

By losing the grip on this concept it has cost me more emotional pain beyond anything that I can explain. It caused me pain because I had a good long talk with God about over a year ago, and he provided. I was so excited that he actually provided, that I forgot to hold up my end of the relationship with him. And with that came consequences. You have to go above and beyond in all that you do. In order to be a man/husband/father, I can't go back to be the nomad I became. Life isn't about making yourself so busy that you feel like it might speed up the process. Don't make yourself occupied because it helps hide a problem, because that problem won't go away or get resolved. You will bring that problem with you where ever you go, causing you to make the same mistakes or run away. Because I can tell you from experience that even though it's an easy way to go about it. But it's not the right way to go about it. You are going to miss out on the relationships God has put in your life, and sometimes you will never get those back, but I believe all relationships are worth saving. Erwin McManus says, "Life is about growth. Growth demands change. Change requires humility."

A Heavy Heart : Open Letter to the World pt. 2

Well, it's the start of my 4th week at the radio station, and things are starting to fall into place. I know what the job entails and what is expected of me. It has been an adjustment and a lot of trial and error. It feels good to have a job that I can set a goal and accomplish it. When I was acting full time, there was never any certainty of anything. All empty promises. Sure, there are good things that came from it, and I learned a lot. But I was missing the point the entire time. I was doing everything on my own. It didn't matter how much effort I was putting into finding the work, and going to work. At the end of the day, there wasn't anyone there that cared how much of an effort I made to get the job. There was no fellowship, there wasn't any positivity. I was in the mix of a sea of people who were all out for themselves.

For the past 4 years I slowly lost some of the best qualities God gave me. I put all my focus and energy into making sure I had work the following day, and when the day was done, I neglected any blessings God had put in my path. When I started to fully commit to acting, all my beliefs, friendships, and relationships had started to slowly fall to the waist side. And I made some of the same mistakes more than once. I wasn't being a man. Sadly, when God wants to wake you up, he doesn't just give you a smack on the back of the head. He pulls the rug right from under you and you fall hard. God intervened in my life recently that really made an impact on my life, and the repercussions have been too much to bear at times. I will admit that I am a broken man, it's mostly why I haven't written to much in the past month or so. I'm getting my mind right.

William Booth said, "The greatness of a man's power is in the measure of his surrender." That is what God wants us to do. He wants us to surrender to him so that we may live the life he has planned for us. Unfortunately, I surrendered myself to what I thought it took to be successful in the entertainment industry. I wasn't being a man of God, or even a man for that matter. I was a guy who thought he was focused and thought that all his hard days were behind him. Not the case.

In my heart I have always known that I wanted a christian home, a family, with 3 kids, and a job that can provide for them. By going after acting, I found that it was all about me in the present time, not looking to the future that I know God has for me. With the lifestyle I had fallen into, there is NO WAY I could be the man/husband/father that could take care of his children and wife. When I realized this concept, I broke down and cried (not one of my finer moments). I cried because I wasn't being the man God wanted me to become at this point in my life. It is too much for me to bear to go through such heartache again. To me, those are the most important things in life, family and fellowship, and how could I have those things with the mindset I had created over the past couple years. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen overnight or with a snap of fingers.

With this new job, it has helped me find myself again. I say this because it has given me stability back in my life. My hours of operation aren't 15 hour days. I can go and worship with people my age again on a weeknight. I can save money for the future again. Friends, Family, and relationships have always meant the world to me, and I want to show all of you again the person you feel in love with. For those of you who have met me in the last couple years, you met me on my way down. Please forgive me. I will not stay the man who worries about money (God will provide) worries about petty things (God will provide)gets irritated with his fellow man (ask God for patience). I'm finally becoming the man God meant for me to be.

"Surrender your whole being to him, to be used for righteous purposes." - Romans 6:13

New Venture: Radio

Well, as most of you know, I got the job working at Amp Radio here in Los Angeles. For those of you who don't live down here, this radio plays "today's hits," top 40 songs. As most of you know, I am a pop culture fanatic. So coming into the job, I already had a lot of knowledge as to what was going on in the music industry. The building is really cool. It is also part of the world famous KROQ radio station that plays rock music. The coolest part is to walk down halls lined with platinum plaques of almost every artist you can think of. So the environment is really comfortable for me. It reminds of my first day of walking onto a studio lot. Just knowing of all the history that had been made there. I got the same feeling as I walked through the same halls rock stars have before me.

My co-workers are really open and really cool. I am the only male in my department. So they said it was a nice change to have me around. Ha Ha Ha. It feels to have co-workers again. Doing background work you see some of the same people every once in awhile, but even sometimes they aren't the people I talk to. They are just a familiar face. I have fellowship once again, and have the sense of building friendships with these people. What is also cool about the job, is that all the other jobs I have had in the past have prepared me in different areas. Because of my background of working for Enterprise Rent a Car, I am able to drive around the big cars to the events. My sales job taught me skills of how to talk to people over the phone the right way. Doing background acting got me familiar with the greater L.A. area and it's odd hour schedule has made me fit in just fine.

Another surreal moment was knowing that I work under DJ Carson Daly. I watched TRL every weekday for the 10 years it was on. Back in high school I never thought that one day I would actually be working at the same radio station and maybe follow in his same steps that got him to where he is today. The job requires a lot of talking to people and giving input on how to make the station better and keep up with our rival station, KIIS Fm.

To answer some questions, I have not given up on acting all together. This job also allows me to keep my regular spot on "How I Met Your Mother" and to go to auditions and still work background. I just NEVER have to do it every day EVER again. It is now a job to keep me in the know, and to fill in the holes during the week; if there are days to fill that is. Radio is another aspect of entertainment that has great opportunity. Now, after 4 years of hustling, I have accomplished all I could do in that area. With a steady job, with an actual ladder to climb, and to be able to still audition is very ideal. I can now finally save money to start a family AND do what I love at the same time. Thank you to everyone that has prayed for me and kept me from not going losing my mind. . . completely. I can't wait to see where this new path takes me, and can't wait to see how God will help continue to help me grow.

In times like these, I look to the bible verse my mom gave me the day I was born;

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Spinning Wheels

So I never heard back from the radio station about the job. I did write a follow up letter to keep me fresh in their minds. I got an email back saying they got it. But nothing since. Normally this wouldn't have an effect on me, but a man can only take so much for so long. Due to the lack of work and auditions in the past 4 months, I feel like I am in career limbo. The question of, 'do i work a job I love and make little to no money, or work a job that is tolerable and be financially stable?"

This is a question that EVERYONE deals with. I've had people tell me that they admire that I am going for my dream and not settling for just any job. Just like any dream job, it's sometimes next to impossible to achieve. Mine consists of being in the right place at the right time, 80% of the time. After giving it my hardest for 4 years, I feel like I don't really have much to show for it. Most people when they spend 4 years at the same job they receive multiple raises and promotions. That is a sense of accomplishment and reward for your hard work. Now imagine if you hadn't received even just a pat on the back for all the hustling and hard work you've done for 4 years. . . That's pretty much how I feel. As humans, God made us to encourage each other and give a helping hand to our fallen brother/sister. When there is a void in that area of our lives, it's hard somethings to find motivation to continue with the path that has been taken.

God says, "Just ask me, and I will begin to share with you the dreams I have for you life and for all of humanity. You can talk to me about the small stuff, or you can listen to me, and I will let you in on what I am thinking. It's going to be big!" It's hard to read that and hope that it happens tomorrow. Everything takes time, this I am aware, but my rent and bills can't be paid in prayer vouchers. So that's why it's hard sometimes to put my trust in God when my accomplishments are so small. I understand that small accomplishments sometimes are the pieces to the big picture, but I am also human so I struggle with every day problems. Plus, nothings easy when family lives so far away. Family is the best foundation we have, and when you only get that "home" feeling once, twice a year it can wear down on you after awhile. I have been blessed with the Watkins' and Geller families down here, they have provided me with fellowship and that good ol' family feeling. And that helps ten fold.

If you are at work day dreaming about a path that you should have taken, just remember that you didn't make a mistake by not doing it. Right now you are making a steady paycheck and working towards accomplishing that goal later in life. Make sure if you know someone you admire, tell them. Odds are they are really struggling and could really use some words of encouragement. They are going against the grain every day to make it a reality so they don't have to settle for just anything. Sadly enough it's easy to lose yourself in the process, because it's hard and negativity surrounds them. I've lost myself before and have come back. Although, it's harder each time than the last to bounce back. If you are reading this, then that means you support me, and I thank you.

Erwin McManus says, "Your circumstances do not determine your opportunities. Or if they do, it may well be quite the opposite than you expect. The more challenging your circumstances, the greater your opportunity to see God raise you to new levels of living."

Burn Notice

Well, it's been a minute since I have written anything. A lot of it has been because I wasn't working that often and didn't really have much to write about that would be very interesting. I also took the time to get my mind again. I had to teach myself to not let my environment get the best of me again. That just doesn't happen over night. The last couple months I have been spending some much needed quality time with the Lord. My girlfriend has also been my biggest supporter and is someone who I look up to when it comes to staying focused and being positive.

During this time of pulling myself back together, I had one of those moments where you wake up one day and decide that you will not do what you're doing anymore. In my case, i got tired of calling my phone number every 10 mins for 10 hours of my day for work. I had reached the end of my rope of getting rejected and being on hold for hours in day. I was burned out. 4 years of doing this took it's toll. So I decided to get a call in service for me. I did my research and found one that was best for me and of whom I heard the most positive about. So for $65 a month, I pay them to do all the work for me. It has taken a lot of the weight off my shoulders. Although, what I have to find out, is that they don't find you work for every day out of the week,and you STILL have to do most of the work. I knew that this came with the territory, but it is one of those things where you got to do it for yourself so you can experience it.

I still feel like I'm staring at a wall in the way of my goal, and I got to figure out a way to get over it. So, this has come with a lot of time thinking about my next move and options. I have a lot of options, but one thing that is most important is to think about is my future. I want to get married, I want to have a family, and I want to be able to provide. I can't have those things by doing what I have been doing for the past 4 years. I have accomplished all that there is to accomplish doing background acting (become SAG eligible and network). I have thought about going back to some of my sales jobs and marketing. But that would mean I would never back into the industry, because you can't spend too much time away. So I have spent a lot of time applying to assistant, production, and internship jobs. Tomorrow I have an interview at Amp Radio. Amp Radio is a station in Los Angeles that plays popular pop music. Which is up my alley because that is hobby of mine. To get a part time job there would help me start from the bottom and work my way up. It would also provide with a steady paycheck and stability for my life that is always so random.

I will always work in entertainment. The trick is to find a steady job you know that can provide and have a way to move up the chain. After doing background work for so long you really start to notice that it's a bottomless hole. You get free food, some down time, and every once and awhile you meet a celebrity. If you like that lifestyle, then that's cool. But I would rather by that celebrity that meets you. So in order to do that, you got to jump back out of comfort, find a way over the wall and keep going. I might not ever become famous, but as long I can provide for my family and still go to a job I love, then I call that happiness. But you can't do it by waiting for it to fall in your lap. You also got to put all your faith in God and trust that he will provide. God knows the future, so we are safe in His hands.

"If there was something that I committed myself to, I don't think there is anything that could stop me." - Will Smith