To Infinity and BEYOND!

"To infinity and beyond!"-Buzz Lightyear. For me that has been a movie quote that has stood the test of time. It was Thanksgiving 1995, I was in the 6th grade when that movie came out and set the bar for new film making and storytelling. The concept for the film was simple, and it related to every single person in the theater. It brought out the kid inside us. Even as a 6th grader, it took me back to the time when I used to make believe with Ninja Turtles and my race track. The reason why this movie is such a huge part of our culture is because of the lesson it teaches. The characters are lovable, the story is timeless, and the way it hits on emotional levels makes it popular.

Today, 16 years later after Toy Story was released, I still watch that movie(and it's sequels) and it reminds me of being a kid again. An unknown psychologist said, "children typically seem to feel happy, whereas grownups do not." In a nutshell he is saying we all start life happy, but somewhere over along the way to being an adult we lose that happiness. Where is it that we lose this innocence and simplicity that is childlike? To put it simply, children know how to enjoy the little things in life. To jump into puddles, climb a tree, or create something out of clay. Isaiah 64:8 says, "And yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand." How do we feel when we make something out of clay and after it has hardened, someone or something happens and it falls to the ground and breaks? If the item we made had significance, then we are saddened. That is how God feels when we stumble or try to run our lives the way we want it. He takes the clay figure that we have made on our own and breaks it so that He can start over again.

I know for me, the clay figure I shaped on my own started the day I stopped enjoying the little things in life. The little things are what makes us who we are. The little things are the detailed cravings in the clay. The little things are the things we fall in love with in a relationship. Even if they are for better or worse. The little things are what bring us back to neutral. If we let God do his job as the potter, we get to enjoy the little things in life. The things that make us feel like a kid again.

As humans, we ALL experience a time when we ignored what it was God was saying to us. Sometimes we do this out of rebellion. It's us against the world. And that idea is sometimes brought on by our peers or who we date. Because going against the grain does feel good sometimes. Because we feel a sense of freedom. A sense of doing it my way. In the song "My Way" by Frank Sinatra, his lyrics say, "Regrets? I've had a few,
But then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption. But I did it my way!" This song can be awesome when you have conquered all the elements. I admit that I have sang this song from the rooftops when when I have felt that all my hard work has paid off. The problem is, once I sang the song and got it off my chest, I forgot to realize that all that I have accomplished wasn't with the help of God. Or it was, and I didn't give him the credit. So EVERY TIME I claim I did it on my own, I was giving God the middle finger. And next thing I know, I'm laying face first in a pile of cow dung with the word jackass tattooed on my forehead.

We are called the children of God. So why don't we enjoy the little things in life that makes us feel like a kid again. Just like the feeling you get when Buzz Lightyear saves Woody from Sid and Buzz is actually flying. It's that feeling of knowing that all along, even though you knew he was a toy, you knew Buzz could fly. That is the feeling we should remind ourselves to have everyday. I had to remind myself of what that feeling is recently. I have gone back and looked at photos of when I used to be a camp counselor at bible camp, I look at the pictures that were given to me and painted by my 4 year old class, and I watched Toy Story. These things with the combination of devotions with God, and my new mentor, have reminded me that life is so much bigger than any bullshit I have EVER said that covered up the little things. I know for me, I was tried of finding myself face down covered in excrement. If we don't realize that doing it "our way" doesn't work, you can never grow.



My kids for the summer of 2005

Paid in Full

A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the
morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.

Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy
book. Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.

He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.

He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. He found a page that had a bookmarked. The verse Matthew 7:11 had been carefully underlined. It reads, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation,and the words...PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?. . .

It's a new year, I have a new job, so the blog will be completely different than this format you are used to. . . I hope those of you who do read will enjoy it, and for those who don't as much, I hope I can grab your attention once again.

Envisions of Silhouettes

Just about 2 months into my job and I feel like I finally have a good handle on what is expected of me. This is a good feeling on many levels. I can now start to express where I find more interest out of all the departments. I have expressed to one of my managers where it is I would like to go from here. I realize that I haven't been there as long as some of my co-workers, but that doesn't mean I can't work harder to pass them. I expressed that I want to do voice over for the commercials that air in between songs. I would like to help out more with the pop culture blogging and twitter accounts that they provide on their website as well. The last thing I asked was to be considered to be apart of the "first listen sessions" they have for new music. You would give your opinion on it, and also contribute to other new songs you have heard that you feel the station should play.

I finally feel apart of a team and that is something that has been missing in my life for a long time. It is part of the many things God has been teaching me these past months. It's all apart of the big picture that He has been trying to show me. I have been given a job that creates stability in my life. Stability is the source of what keeps sanity. Having said that, I have decided to put acting on the shelves until God gives me the green light again, if he does at all. I will still work on "How I Met Your Mother" when they call me, because that has been a big part of my life for 3 years. My reason for making this decision is simple. . . it's for my own health and well-being and for those I care about most. Let me explain:

When I gave up everything and became an actor full time, I invested ALL my time and ALL my energy to finding work and networking. With all my focus going in that direction it took all my patience and focus on what is important. So at the end of the day, my attitude was based on whether or not I was successful to get work for the following day. I didn't have any energy or patience left in me to give toward my friends or significant other. I was running on empty every night I went to bed. This is where negativity started to come into play. With negativity came irritability with my surroundings. Even the most beautiful of things looked dark to me. I was only my true self some of the time. When this was all going on, people around me where moving forward in their careers and relationships, while I was moving backwards.

As I have been working on myself on becoming a better man, and learning what it is to be someone who can provide/care for my future wife and children, it has become clear to stop that lifestyle all together. It is because of lifestyles like these people lose what is most important in their lives. And for me, I envisioned my wife walking out on me and taking my children with her. I envisioned this image because with that lifestyle comes excuses and empty promises you make over and over again. I have missed out on great fellowship and important days because I made the excuse of "well this might be my break, this might be my audition." Those are events I can't ever have back. If you apply this to later on in life, I would miss my son's 1st birthday or my anniversary with my wife. Once I envisioned this, I told myself that I will never become that man. It's a lesson that I am very grateful that I am being taught. Because if I were to watch the silhouette of my wife and children walk out on me it would be a pain I don't think I would be able to bear. And I was definitely on that path of destruction.

Luckily for me, God has shown me mercy. Even though it has been a hard road to fix habits and characteristics I have picked up, I have peace of mind that God has been building me back to the man he intended me to be. I want to be the best man I can be when it comes to all aspects in my life; at work, husband, father, loyal friend, boyfriend, son in law, brother in law, and brother. Never will I ever wonder "What if" because I know where my heart was while I perused that career. When my heart is in the right place for my career, I will be happy and know that is where I am suppose to be. My future and those who I love depend on it.

My mouth shall speak wisdom, and the meditation of my heart shall give understanding. PSALM 49:3

Character: The Heart of Man

Character - A description of a person's attributes, traits, or abilities. Character is a really strong word when you think about it. It defines who we are as a person and is what people judge us by. So don't you want your character to be one that is kind, thoughtful, strong, patient, and wise? Ofcoarse we do. I know many people who have all these attributes, but they don't necessarily let them show all the time, or at the right times for that matter. Why is it that sometimes we pick and choose to use some our better characteristics when we feel it's necessary? It's as if we have all our best characteristics in a tool belt. We only use them on certain people at certain times to manipulate a situation to go our way. Which ultimately fails because God is in control and you can't manipulate a situation that he already has planned out. It just sends you onto another path that will take you longer to get to the next check point. That means you didn't have faith that he will take care of you. It's human nature to show people what we want them to see. But that's not being honest.

This is something that I began to struggle with as I began my journey to figuring out what it took to be an actor. It's funny because you are wanting to have a career out of portraying a character. But if you don't have your own character grounded, then how are you suppose to make yourself believable on screen? It's a hard balance to figure out. One that not everyone is blessed with. Personally, I'm not even sure if I am blessed with that ability. If I am, then God will reveal it to me when the time is right. Because right now, He is working on my character through the troubles that I have created for myself over the past couple years. Rick Warren says, "When we have troubles, those troubles help us produce patience. And patience produces character." Patience is something that I lost along the way, and has lead me to fall. This is one of the main points that God has pointed out to me. If I want to be a man and be caring toward my fellow man and wife, patience must be learned. Patience is a huge part of one's character. Character development always involves a choice. If you don't make the choice to work on your character, then you won't grow. And that applies to every aspect of your life, job, relationship, friendship, and family.

Sometimes we are not aware of how our character affects those around us. When I had created a selfish lifestyle two years ago I let my character slip. My love for investing in my friendships and relationships hadn't been to my full potential. It was there enough for people to still know I was alive. But the guy who used to be a mentor to the youth and buy a meal from a friend who had a long day of waiting tables, had fallen. The positive part is, you can work on your character to help you grow. It's not something that can you can lose and never gain back. But, don't get me wrong, it came with a price for me to realize that I had to truly work on it. God saw what made me the happiest, my biggest distraction from him, and shook up my world. He knew what my heart desired, but knew the character of my heart needed some work in order to fully fulfill that desire. It's a slow process getting back to reminding yourself who you used to be. A great sister in Christ recently shared with me her story about how it feels to look back and see how she's grown. She taught me that although it takes a little time, we grow into our character, and people notice it.

But you can't work on anything without putting your faith in God to get you there. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." This is a great example because we have all tripped or fallen down a couple stairs. So we all know what it feels like to fall, and no one likes that feeling. Just like Indiana Jones in the last crusade, he had to take that step of faith off the cliff. If he didn't have faith he wouldn't have stepped apon the invisible bridge to get across to the other side. But faith is a whole other blog.

Audience of Two: Open Letter to the World pt. 3

It is yet an end to another week. To most people it's, "another day, another dollar." I hear this saying a lot and I myself have even said it. It became something I would tell myself at the end of the day. Looking back on it, it was just another way of saying, "I got through today, and tomorrow doesn't look much different." It's a way to get some people onto the weekend and closer to the the goal that they see in the future. But I think that sometimes as we get into the routine of saying it, we start to kid ourselves. For example, when I first started out as an actor and got it into my head that there was a lot of hustling around and spinning my wheels, and the best way to make me feel better was to tell myself that it was "another day, another dollar." It is because of this mentality that we sometimes miss out on life and the people we surround ourselves with. It's funny because we use this mechanism to help time go faster to when we think our lives will be where we want it. But we don't even know when technically that time is. I know for me, that time will be when I am married, have kids, a steady job, and friends to fellowship with. But how can we get to this point if all we do is cross off another day on the calendar and go to bed?

The obvious answer is to put your faith and trust in God that you will get there. But that means you got to talk with him AND listen. If the relationship part isn't there, how can you grow and enjoy life? You can, and people do, but, they feel emptiness. I have been there before. A couple years ago, I had created for myself a life that worked for "me." I had been dropped from a 3 year relationship, and the only way I was able to pick myself back up was to tell myself that I didn't need anyone but me. I did whatever I wanted; I was sleeping on couches of friends houses on the weekends and was just living a life of a nomad. I was also acting at the time, so all my focus went into finding work, and my hours of operation were so off the wall that I was barely home. This lifestyle worked for me because I had created a schedule so busy I didn't have time to worry or even care about the future. The mentality I had was, "it is, what it is, and things will just fall into place. I don't know when, but they will."

I had also created a confidence that I had never felt before. It was like I was an audience of one. Confidence is a great trait, and is attractive to people. But it's a trait that walks a fine line. I created this life because it kept me occupied and helped keep my mind off the fact that I didn't have a girlfriend to care for. It was because of this ignorance that I would soon find out that I missed out on times spent in the final months of living with one of my best friends. At the end of the day an emptiness lingered. It was the eerie feeling of loneliness that always reminded that relationships are important, both with God and my girlfriend.

That was my mentality for awhile. This is the mentality of a true schmuck. Anyone that grew up with me can tell you that the one thing I believe in is restoring relationships. This was something that has never left, it just disappeared. It is because of this gift that God has given me, it has been helping in my process to becoming a better man. The bible says that "we must bear the 'burden' of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others." I love the word considerate because it is so simple and has so much meaning. I took a year and a half from that concept. I became selfish, cynical, and irritable. WHAT AN IDIOT.

By losing the grip on this concept it has cost me more emotional pain beyond anything that I can explain. It caused me pain because I had a good long talk with God about over a year ago, and he provided. I was so excited that he actually provided, that I forgot to hold up my end of the relationship with him. And with that came consequences. You have to go above and beyond in all that you do. In order to be a man/husband/father, I can't go back to be the nomad I became. Life isn't about making yourself so busy that you feel like it might speed up the process. Don't make yourself occupied because it helps hide a problem, because that problem won't go away or get resolved. You will bring that problem with you where ever you go, causing you to make the same mistakes or run away. Because I can tell you from experience that even though it's an easy way to go about it. But it's not the right way to go about it. You are going to miss out on the relationships God has put in your life, and sometimes you will never get those back, but I believe all relationships are worth saving. Erwin McManus says, "Life is about growth. Growth demands change. Change requires humility."

A Heavy Heart : Open Letter to the World pt. 2

Well, it's the start of my 4th week at the radio station, and things are starting to fall into place. I know what the job entails and what is expected of me. It has been an adjustment and a lot of trial and error. It feels good to have a job that I can set a goal and accomplish it. When I was acting full time, there was never any certainty of anything. All empty promises. Sure, there are good things that came from it, and I learned a lot. But I was missing the point the entire time. I was doing everything on my own. It didn't matter how much effort I was putting into finding the work, and going to work. At the end of the day, there wasn't anyone there that cared how much of an effort I made to get the job. There was no fellowship, there wasn't any positivity. I was in the mix of a sea of people who were all out for themselves.

For the past 4 years I slowly lost some of the best qualities God gave me. I put all my focus and energy into making sure I had work the following day, and when the day was done, I neglected any blessings God had put in my path. When I started to fully commit to acting, all my beliefs, friendships, and relationships had started to slowly fall to the waist side. And I made some of the same mistakes more than once. I wasn't being a man. Sadly, when God wants to wake you up, he doesn't just give you a smack on the back of the head. He pulls the rug right from under you and you fall hard. God intervened in my life recently that really made an impact on my life, and the repercussions have been too much to bear at times. I will admit that I am a broken man, it's mostly why I haven't written to much in the past month or so. I'm getting my mind right.

William Booth said, "The greatness of a man's power is in the measure of his surrender." That is what God wants us to do. He wants us to surrender to him so that we may live the life he has planned for us. Unfortunately, I surrendered myself to what I thought it took to be successful in the entertainment industry. I wasn't being a man of God, or even a man for that matter. I was a guy who thought he was focused and thought that all his hard days were behind him. Not the case.

In my heart I have always known that I wanted a christian home, a family, with 3 kids, and a job that can provide for them. By going after acting, I found that it was all about me in the present time, not looking to the future that I know God has for me. With the lifestyle I had fallen into, there is NO WAY I could be the man/husband/father that could take care of his children and wife. When I realized this concept, I broke down and cried (not one of my finer moments). I cried because I wasn't being the man God wanted me to become at this point in my life. It is too much for me to bear to go through such heartache again. To me, those are the most important things in life, family and fellowship, and how could I have those things with the mindset I had created over the past couple years. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen overnight or with a snap of fingers.

With this new job, it has helped me find myself again. I say this because it has given me stability back in my life. My hours of operation aren't 15 hour days. I can go and worship with people my age again on a weeknight. I can save money for the future again. Friends, Family, and relationships have always meant the world to me, and I want to show all of you again the person you feel in love with. For those of you who have met me in the last couple years, you met me on my way down. Please forgive me. I will not stay the man who worries about money (God will provide) worries about petty things (God will provide)gets irritated with his fellow man (ask God for patience). I'm finally becoming the man God meant for me to be.

"Surrender your whole being to him, to be used for righteous purposes." - Romans 6:13

New Venture: Radio

Well, as most of you know, I got the job working at Amp Radio here in Los Angeles. For those of you who don't live down here, this radio plays "today's hits," top 40 songs. As most of you know, I am a pop culture fanatic. So coming into the job, I already had a lot of knowledge as to what was going on in the music industry. The building is really cool. It is also part of the world famous KROQ radio station that plays rock music. The coolest part is to walk down halls lined with platinum plaques of almost every artist you can think of. So the environment is really comfortable for me. It reminds of my first day of walking onto a studio lot. Just knowing of all the history that had been made there. I got the same feeling as I walked through the same halls rock stars have before me.

My co-workers are really open and really cool. I am the only male in my department. So they said it was a nice change to have me around. Ha Ha Ha. It feels to have co-workers again. Doing background work you see some of the same people every once in awhile, but even sometimes they aren't the people I talk to. They are just a familiar face. I have fellowship once again, and have the sense of building friendships with these people. What is also cool about the job, is that all the other jobs I have had in the past have prepared me in different areas. Because of my background of working for Enterprise Rent a Car, I am able to drive around the big cars to the events. My sales job taught me skills of how to talk to people over the phone the right way. Doing background acting got me familiar with the greater L.A. area and it's odd hour schedule has made me fit in just fine.

Another surreal moment was knowing that I work under DJ Carson Daly. I watched TRL every weekday for the 10 years it was on. Back in high school I never thought that one day I would actually be working at the same radio station and maybe follow in his same steps that got him to where he is today. The job requires a lot of talking to people and giving input on how to make the station better and keep up with our rival station, KIIS Fm.

To answer some questions, I have not given up on acting all together. This job also allows me to keep my regular spot on "How I Met Your Mother" and to go to auditions and still work background. I just NEVER have to do it every day EVER again. It is now a job to keep me in the know, and to fill in the holes during the week; if there are days to fill that is. Radio is another aspect of entertainment that has great opportunity. Now, after 4 years of hustling, I have accomplished all I could do in that area. With a steady job, with an actual ladder to climb, and to be able to still audition is very ideal. I can now finally save money to start a family AND do what I love at the same time. Thank you to everyone that has prayed for me and kept me from not going losing my mind. . . completely. I can't wait to see where this new path takes me, and can't wait to see how God will help continue to help me grow.

In times like these, I look to the bible verse my mom gave me the day I was born;

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11